I love words.
Good thing I suppose, given my chosen and hard-fought-for occupation. Every time I sit down at a keyboard or have a pen poised over a blank sheet of paper, I feel overwhelmed with excitement, with possibility, with anticipation. With a few key strokes or swipes of a pen, you can find the right combination of words that can make someone LOVE you.
Conversely, you can break a heart, manipulate a mind or sever an allegiance…all with those same strokes or swipes. Think about that. Legends are immortalized because of words. Nations go to war over words. Couples are united in matrimony with words. Hearts and lives are shattered due to words. The power they wield is, in a word, awesome.
“Every time I come around the corner and see your car in the driveway I get sick to my stomach.”
I sat on the couch during yet another face-off with my mother when she let fly with that condemnation, effectively shattering any sense of comfort and belonging I may have been clinging to at the time. I was 17. I’m 41 now, and I can hear those words in my ear as clear as if they were uttered 10 minutes ago. I can’t say that it was those exact words that led to the eventual, unsurprising demise of my relationship with my mother, but I know it was certainly a huge chunk out of the already crumbling foundation. It stands, to this day, as one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me.
But, as I said, words are powerful. They have healing properties. Let me give you a scenario. I was visiting a friend at what is now, TCNJ (back then it was Trenton State College). My boyfriend of about a year had just broken up with me, quite unceremoniously, at a party the night before. I was feeling kind of blue, just sort of moping around the campus waiting for my friend’s class to end. While aimlessly wandering through the bookstore, I saw an old friend from high school, a guy who graduated a year ahead of me. We got to talking about life after high school and what my plans were and all of that idle small talk, when he looked me right in the eye and said, “Well Cass, the thing is, I hear you’re an excellent writer.”
What followed is not a Cinderella-like ending of fairytale romance (this is me we’re talking about) between Matt Opacity (that was his name) and your Lang teacher. We didn’t fall into each other’s arms and swear undying love—it wasn’t even a romantic moment. He wasn’t trying out a brand-new pick-up line or even trying to soothe my bruised, dumped ego. It was a simple declaration that I am quite sure he would never even remember saying all these years later. But it’s impact on me was and is undeniable. Because of him, when I went back home, the first place I looked for a summer job was at a local newspaper called The Sandpaper. I landed a job as a stringer and at the tender age of 18, got my first ever piece of writing published. I even got paid for it! (It was an article on Tonkinese cats—don’t laugh!) Such is the power and the beauty of words.
So, that is the focus of this week’s blog question. I would like you to think about conversations you have had, arguments in which you’ve been embroiled, moments of bliss you have experienced. They all have one thing in common—WORDS.
The Yin: What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you? Why do you think it was the worst thing? How did it make you feel?
And for the Yang (because there always is one): What was the best compliment you have ever received?
Who said it? Why do you think was it was the best compliment?
And finally, perhaps even MOST IMPORTANTLY, reflect on the fact that you highlighted these two particular comments. What do you think your choices of what was the best and worst thing anyone could say about/to you reveal about your personality? Much to think about, I know. Don’t delay!!
Okay, so I’ve had more than my fair share of insults over the years, and some statements that made me feel completely helpless and worthless. But there is one statement that has been burned into my mind and probably will always be there…
ReplyDelete“You don’t deserve to be happy Dominique.”
I suppose this is one of the worst things someone has said to me because at the time, I believed every word of it. This was said to me at a time when, for the most part, I wasn’t happy. This statement got me thinking, “Well I’m not happy because I don’t deserve to be.” I thought I wasn’t good enough to be happy. I used to be so much more pessimistic than I am now. I was the rain on the parade, etc. For lack of a better word, I was fragile. I can still remember sitting on my bed, staring out my window, and thinking that I shouldn’t be happy and that the guy who said this was right. I felt empty, rejected, and alone. And who wants to feel like that? No one.
Another reason I remember this particular statement so much is that I cared so much about the person who said it, and I couldn’t believe he didn’t think I should be happy. This statement (and other heated arguments) led to us not talking anymore. Now, he’s somewhere in the world, at some college, trying to make some career for himself. I couldn’t tell you where any of those places are because that’s how much we’ve cut ties. So no, this isn’t exactly a cliché insult. It’s not exactly the you’re-so-ugly-and-fat kind of insult. It may not even seem that bad to some of you. I could list the arguments and the horrible comments people have made about me, but this one sums the other insults up. And it reminds me of one of the unhappier periods during my life. So don’t judge me until you get to know every little thing about my past.
Since then, I’ve become happier, and I’ve learned to find happiness in little things. So needless to say, it took some time, but I’m in a much better place than I used to be and I now know I deserve to be just as happy as anyone else.
On a happier note, I’ve been told some very touching things in my past. It’s very, very difficult for me to pick just one. And no, it’s not because I’m so awesome, everyone loves me, and I’m always flattered with compliments. It’s very difficult because each of the compliments I have received in my past mean something completely different because well a) they’re about different things, and b) the compliments come from different people at different times during my life. So after much debate with myself, I came up with one that I still think about today…
ReplyDelete“Just please don’t ever change.”
This compliment was said to me by a really great guy just before he moved to the other side of the country. This has always been such a good compliment to me because it didn’t feel forced or fake. It made me feel that there was someone out there who thought I’m good just the way I am, and that I didn’t have to change for people to like me. This short sentence gave me confidence that there are going to be people out there that love me for just me, and it gave me more hope that I would find everything I am looking for in life one day. There are people who like me for who I am, so I should stop being so critical about everything in my life. So even though we don’t talk anymore, I still keep that compliment with me because someone out there is happy with the way I am, including all of my flaws.
I put a lot of thought into what these comments reveal about my personality. After much deliberation, I realized that I’m just looking for love, happiness, and acceptance not only within myself, but with the people around me. But who isn’t looking for similar things? I just want people to love and accept me for me, not someone else. And I’ve realized (due to my past) that happiness comes in the weirdest forms and at the most unexpected times. And I just love that about life.
As you said, Bunje, words are powerful. They contain endless possibilities and outcomes. They have the potential to change the world and they have the ability to rewrite the ending. Words are just another beautiful part of life.
Words are pretty cool. They are the only way for humans to get what is inside their heads into a form that others can understand and use. Unfortunately, words are also restrictive. Not all of our thoughts can be put onto a page. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a thought is worth a thousand pictures. Words cannot always efficiently explain what goes on in a person’s head. Sometimes, we have the right words for the job, like a simple “Hello” or an “I love you” will get the message across. However, every other time, we search for the word that best fits in a sentence we are trying to construct, but no word in the world can describe how a person thinks or feels. They just don’t.
ReplyDeleteI guess there are two ways to use words: positive and negative (neutral ways are just boring). Positive ways to use words are like expressing your positive attitude, donating positive thoughts, or giving emotional support. Negative ways are insults, expressing pessimistic attitudes, or just plain rude language. In a way both of these ways of using words affects our daily lives. They can allow a person to make a judgment about a person like whether he/she would want to be friends with that person (you wouldn’t want to be friends with a person that curses at you and brings you down, right?). They can make a person know how you’re feeling so they won’t treat you in a particular way (like if you’re happy you wouldn’t want somebody treating you like you’re about to die, because that would be kind of weird). There is no way around it. Words can have an impact on your life whether you realize it or not.
I’m not one to take compliments well. “You have pretty eyes,” someone mentioned to me, “Thanks,” I replied. “You’re pretty chill,” someone noted, “Thanks,” I retorted. “You’re tall,” someone said, off-handedly, “Thanks,” I said back, devoid of emotion. I’d have to say 9/8 of all compliments given to me are heard by deaf ears. If someone told me they gave me a compliment five minutes previously, I would tell them, “I don’t remember,” because I wouldn’t. So, if I can’t remember or care about a compliment from five minutes ago, why would I remember it any longer than that? Why would I hold onto something that I have no feelings or use for whatsoever? I think that’s silly.
This is pretty much the same deal for mean things that people say to me. I just shake them off and continue on with my life. What is the point in bathing in the low points of your life when there are so many better things in front of you?
Despite what I just said, there have been several phrases that people have said to me that have had earth-shaking effects on my life. Most of them have been from my mom, probably because she is an English major with like a bajillion master’s degrees in English stuff. She has such a way with words that I believe that I will never achieve such an understanding of English that she has.
Anyway, one of the things she told me that affected my life, surprisingly, happened during preschool. Yes. Twelve years ago. So, one day I was in preschool and I saw this blonde girl in the room and I decided I “liked” her. (It happened to be Dominique hahaha). So I told my mom and she said, “Well, Tommy, you can’t just like someone because of their looks,” so I said, “Oh,” and immediately stopped liking Dominique. That one, simple sentence had changed my view of people and my view of who I associate myself with. I learned that whether or not a person looks good is not a reason to “like” them or have to be friends with them. I learned that around my fourth birthday. I could probably go on for pages and pages about the amazing things my mom taught me during my early childhood and teen years, but I don’t want everybody to die, so this will have to conclude this blog.
Tom: I never knew that! Aww. Anyway, I admire your ability to just shake negative things off. I wish I was able to just let things go like that, but I haven't been able to perfect that yet. It's something I'm working on, but I find it pretty cool that for the most part you can just let mean things roll right off of your back.
ReplyDeleteI try not to dwell on the past, and I often find myself erasing bad memories. I block out events that have occurred, and as a result, many things and words are faded. I find myself spending hours trying to remember words uttered to me, but after relentless hours and days trying to forget them, I actually have forgotten them. After much thought and deliberation, a particular set of words still haunts me to this day.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I mess up, or hurt someone’s feelings, or even let myself down, those words reverberate in my head. Constantly ringing in my ears. These words have kept me up all night sometimes. A particular ‘friend’ of mine, decided to voice their opinion of me. Before I utter those words, I must say that I did not say anything to instigate the argument. I guess my lack of participation in the argument however, spurred that person to spew all their real feelings about me.
“You’re an inconsiderate bitch. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. I don’t know how I even put up with you for so long. No one’s going to put up with you or your shit, Mimi.”
It’s no wonder reading Bitch was a bit of a difficult task for me. The term bitch brings back memories of the conversation above. You will rarely find me calling someone a bitch, because I do not want to dish out the emotions I received when I was graced with being labelled as one. Now, this may not seem like such a bad insult to you. Some close runner-ups are events in which people told me I wouldn’t succeed. But, this one. This one hurts the most and will always hurt the most. People call me emotionless and soulless on a daily basis. But this was the first accusation. From that point on, I tried my hardest to not be an inconsiderate bitch. I try to care about others, and I put people before myself. I’ve discovered that, I’d rather make others happy than truly search for something that makes me happy. As a result, when people call me emotionless or soulless or tell me that I have no heart, I can’t help but return back to those words. I spend a lot of my time, trying to find ways to make people happy. Make them laugh, or just make them proud of me. It is a tedious task, and till this day I’m not sure if anyone has noticed my efforts.
ReplyDeleteThough this compliment often eats at me, the best compliment I’ve gotten directly correlates with it. A friend of mine, on a day when I was particularly feeling down in the dumps, out of the kindness of his heart, offered me the greatest compliment I’ve ever received:
“You’re friendly and nice. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You try to make people happy even when you’re sad. You try your hardest to be everything you can in life and you are extremely committed to everything you do; and I’ve got respect for that.”
ReplyDeleteAlas! Someone noticed my efforts and complimented me on them! This was probably the best compliment because, it was a comment I’ve always been searching for. All the “you’re beautiful” and “you’re smart” compliments are nothing compared to this one. These words have meant so much to me that I’ve actually written them down so I wouldn’t forget. When I’m feeling like giving up, a quick glance at these words tells me that I can make it. Or when someone has called me a mean name (see inconsiderate bitch) I know that at least some people realize that I try to make them happy.
Based on highlighting these two comments, I don’t really know what it says about my personality. Perhaps, I’d like people to think I’m nice or a good person. But I think the reason I highlighted these two comments is because as much as I try to block out people, I’m really searching for someone to appreciate my efforts. All I want is for people to notice that I try to correct my flaws. The one thing I want most in life, more than being successful or happy, is for people to realize that I want them to be pleased with me. Is that too much to ask?
Nyamekye: Whoever said that about you is completely wrong. Even though you may not like to show your affection and be all lovey-dovey, you do still care about people. After knowing you for a decent amount of time, I've realized that you do care more than you show, and you do put other's happiness before yourself, which is a good quality to have. Just remember, you're just as important as anyone else and you too, deserve to be happy. People are pleased with you and realize it. Don't forget that (:
ReplyDeleteWithout quite reading through the entire question, I mindlessly began sifting through my subconscious collection of insults and found myself thinking ‘Boy, do I have a lot to choose from...’
ReplyDeleteThroughout my life I’ve been called horrendous things, though I know I’m not alone in this. Luckily, I’ve learned to be less defensive and I’ve learned to shrug off (more times than not) the harsh reality that this is life, and people are not always going to like you. Out of all the mean or offensive things that people have said to me, the one that I have the hardest time ever forgetting is one that, in retrospect, isn’t all that bad. Like a burn that doesn’t seem to hurt at first, the worst of the sting came later.
When I was in fifth grade, someone allegedly wrote on the boys bathroom stall “Connie Capone is a fish face.” At first, I laughed, considering what a stupid insult it was. To this day, I don’t even know if the words were ever really there. However, that didn’t stop the name to follow me for years after. People said it jokingly, or seriously, in hushed whispers, or out loud. It started to pick at me. Maybe it’s petty, but I still haven’t truly forgiven all the people that were involved, because of the ceaselessness of their abuse. I’d come home from school in tears. I’d stand in the bathroom and disgustedly stare at my reflection. One time I walked out of a Monday night CCD class in a red faced flurry because boys were chanting the name loud enough for their voices to seep through the hands on my tightly cupped ears. That one little joke, that one seemingly harmless insult and the repeated bite of its effect was responsible for completely destroying the little self confidence that I had.
But it’s done. Just like that. I haven’t heard it since Middle School, and though I doubt it would still hurt the same way, I don’t think I could ever just brush it off because the memories of my sadness are much more afflicting than the actual insult itself.
Fortunately, I’ve been called some good things too. Though I’ve found that flattery doesn’t always counteract negativity, it’s amazing how a simple compliment can turn somebody’s day around. As for the yang to my ying, a particularly pleasant memory of kind words came to mind from our own Emily Ding (I swear that was unintentional!) On the last days of 7th grade, our English teacher, Mr. Weber, had us all write simple couplets about everyone in the class. We then exchanged our words to each other while walking around the class. Jokingly, I approached a girl that I knew very little of, curious to see what she would say about me. She read hers quickly, and though I probably thanked her and walked off, I barely knew what to say. Though the exact rhyme has slipped my mind since then, it was the last line that served as an indelible reminder of the geniality in people, even perfect strangers. It ended with “She is good at everything.” It was easily the kindest thing anybody in the class had written about me, among people I’d known for years. It’s not that I expected some extravagant declamation of praise from anyone; I was just not expecting such a strong compliment, from someone I barely knew at all.
Sometimes we don’t know why certain words or names preserve themselves in our memory. When we have little reason to understand them, we’re forced to believe them; which makes the insults feel heavier, and the compliments, better. We don’t realize the weight of what we say, good or bad, but should we?
I don’t think I could possibly sit here and think of the WORST thing someone has said to me I feel like I’m going to write something then think of a more horrific story later. I guess I’ll say what first came to mind.
ReplyDeleteSo my dad doesn’t believe in interracial couples because, well he’s racist. This has caused a strain in whatever relationship we do have for years now, basically since I realized what kind of person he is. You know that’s like one of the worst feelings in the world; realizing your parent is a morally bad person. How could you not like someone because of their race? How can you incessantly make “jokes” about this entire race? How can you jokingly talk about running an old man over in the Wawa parking lot because he’s black? Like seriously what the hell is wrong with you? I’ve come to truly hate the person my dad is because of this. Anyone who knows me knows I’m the first person to stand up for someone who is being discriminated against. I love everyone Blue, purple, orange, pink, I don’t care and I hate that a lot of people do. I hate when people roll their eyes at me because I’m holding hands with a guy from a different race. I hate when people say it’s disgusting for a black guy to be with a white girl. Like what!? What does that even mean! No, the worst is when my friends say it and then look at me and follow up with well its different for you Kendall because you’re half Puerto Rican. Uhm excuse me? These people are so ignorant. Thus needless to say my dad and I have fought about this topic a million times, and that’s an understatement. But I’ll never forget this particular argument we had about last May. I was with my now ex-boyfriend, boyfriend at the time, and I was extremely hungry so he went to McDonalds to get me some food. I go outside to get it, give him a quick hug, kiss him on the cheek (yes just a quick cheek peck because PDAs are absolutely disgusting!), and I runback inside. Naturally my dad asked me who that was outside, now I could’ve lied and said just a friend but I didn’t, I told him it was my boyfriend and the argument began. Harsh words flew back and forth the kitchen as I put the McDonalds in the fridge (because I lost my appetite). I eventually gave up and started my loud stomps up the stairs when I heard him mumble (excuse my language!!!): “Stop whorin’ to these fuckin’ black guys, fuckin’ nigger lover.” Uhm excuse me!? Did I hear that correctly, did my father just call me a nigger lover? Oh wait! A whore too. Wow! How does a man call his 16 year old daughter a whore? And what kind of person uses the word nigger in that sense? I lost any bit of respect I might have had for that man that day. There’s no relationship there and there never will be. This particular event sticks out to me probably because he’s my father. I’ve been called a whore by plenty of dumb girls who have nothing better to do, that’s all a part of the teenage girl experience. And I’ve been called a nigger lover by plenty of ignorant people as well. I just don’t see how any man could say that to his daughter, it makes me hate him. It makes me feel ashamed. But most of all, I feel sorry for him, him and anyone else that could be that ignorant and immoral.
Wow, it’s hard to think of the best compliment now that I’ve just reflected on every fight I’ve ever had with my dad. Now that I’m thinking of everything that has ever hurt me. There is seriously not one single compliment that I could reflect on as I did with the worst. But I guess for me, the best compliments come in different forms. First, there’s the lovey dovey make you wanna blush compliments (My personal favorite, of course). These are the compliments you get from your boyfriend/girlfriend or just someone you are freakin’ crazy about. They come the best in surprises. Like when you walk up to them and they sweetly say, “You’re gorgeous”, “You look cute today”, “I LOVE your hair like that”. These are my favorite because you’re already crazy about the person and the fact that they think those things about you just makes you feel really good about yourself. It gives you those Middle School butterflies and takes you to a different world. And it’s because you care about this person so much already, that what they think matters. The next are motivational compliments. These are from your coaches, teachers, and other classmates. “Good job”, “Your really improving” (The best one), “You’re so smart” etc. When I’m stressed these really help me out. Like in tennis, it makes me feel good when Ponz is like wow you’ve gotten a lot better or something like that. Lastly, there’s the more random comments in which just reflect your personality. I get them most from my friends. My favorite of these kinds are, “Your always smiling”, “You laugh at everything”, “Your always happy”. I think these make me as happy as they do because this is what I believe is the greatest thing to be known or remembered for. It’s nothing short of amazing to have people say “She was always happy, she could turn anyone’s mood around”. So when people tell me I’m always smiling it really makes me feel good about myself, an invincible feeling.
ReplyDeleteResentment is a fairly commonplace feeling that I give in regards to most things. It’s an odd contrast to how peaceful and blissful I usually am at any given time. I don’t just hate anything and everything. I’m not a cynic and I adore people as a whole. Sometimes, just the purpose of everything seems so misplaced and utterly unnecessary. Sometimes, I can’t help but just curl up and imagine the infinite space around us, when little China seems so far away. A kick in the night at the thought of falling, the most basic human instinctual fear, and yet we are all permanently suspended in nothingness. Out there, beyond my comprehension, there isn’t even an up and a down in while to fall from. Out there, the distance to China is replicated a number that nobody has ever imagined yet.
ReplyDeleteMy second grade teacher asked a series of questions that at once embroidered themselves within my mind. “How many grains of sand are in a handful of sand?” he let us ponder. The number was so large, something we had never worked with or seen. “How many grains of sand are on an entire beach?” he continued, and we all gasped a little at the sheer impossibility of a number. Just lots of zeroes, we thought. “How many in a desert? How many in the whole entire world?” We hardly knew what was outside of our classroom, let alone how many grains of sand could be in the whole entire world. “Now take that number,” he began, leaving us scrambling for the number we could never state, “and multiply it by a million. That’s how many stars are in the universe, and even more than that.” Suddenly the world didn’t seem so big anymore, and it never has again since.
With an infinite universe and an infinite amount of stars and planets, our silly little customs seem so fruitless to me. I resent my shoes and the walls around my head. People tell me I should be grateful for them, and I am, but everything that is not natural doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve traded what is right and free for the security of tomorrow. School and work are necessary, but only in the sense of society. I couldn’t survive in the life we’ve subconsciously chosen for ourselves and the human without school and work, but sometimes I wonder. In a universe so endless, what good are hours of stress for a couple spare fleeting moments of victorious success? All that is not natural only adds to the cataclysmic society. Whatever humans are, or what we were, seems lost more and more with each added unreal invention. Time does not truly exist and can be found nowhere. Names, words, numbers, in a way, we make them to be real. We can write them down and claim they’re real, but honestly, in respects to the universe, they’re not. Truthfully, words can be beautiful. The little mumbles and screams we assign meaning to, they can do wonders. It’s just I think the face can say so much more. There is more expression and feeling in the unmasked face than in a million words. Just that stray smile can incite more joy than the most beautiful compliment. When we fail to see beyond the face, then words are necessary. But as with all else, I can’t help but wonder. Words seem to hurt more than inspire, just as time seems to restrain more than organize.
The most beautiful of compliments are the ones that blaze past superficiality. Compliments generally immobilize me, and I can’t decide if I just don’t value the message, if I just don’t like acknowledging them as true, or if I simply have some sort of internal flaw. The little, “You made my day,” or, “You’re so different,” are my favorites. Just my friends say them, but somehow, the words don’t make me smile as much as their smiles do, or the earnest expression on their face. The way the truth touches their eyes can never be perfectly translated into words. These are not forced like words; they’re perfectly natural. Our faces are meant to smile and the emotion always shows clearly.
ReplyDeleteLikewise, the worst thing that I can ever remember being said to me was on the way home from lacrosse practice. I’ve always been a painfully easy crier, especially with my mother. Just on schedule, she made me cry on that once ever week or two week schedule. My mother is a very punctual person and is never late. I can’t say I especially blame her, she might not be so much insensitive as I was overly sensitive. Nevertheless, I was crying and she was irritated that I was. After a grunt from her, I went on my usual tirade of complaining that she was never sensitive to my feelings and drew up my usual suspects as examples. When I burnt my thumb and a hundred other times she made me cry. As we pulled into my driveway, she told me, “Stop crying, if your father sees you crying we’ll end up getting a divorce.” Somebody please tell me, in what world is it okay to tell your teenage daughter that she’ll be the reason her parents get a divorce? Still, that didn’t hurt as much as the time she slammed the door after she tried to apologize to me and I didn’t accept it. It wasn’t personal. I don’t accept apologizes. She had meant everything she said, so there was no reason to apologize. And obviously, making up didn’t mean that much to her if she was going to slam the door if I chose not to say, “I forgive you.” And the three more times she came back in to yell at me. But even that didn’t top the time she ignored my hysterical crying for three days. I had hurt her, even though my motive was good-intentioned. Hurting her had hurt me far worse. So for three days I bawled, and for three days she ignored me.
I’d have to say, words hurt, but actions hurt more. I personally add words to my list of disliked and unnecessary things, along with shoes and forks. I’m a hypocrite though. I love books and writing, but still, sometimes I have to wonder, should I be reading what others are teaching me, or going out and living it for myself? Words tend to feign experience in our minds, and we should go out and live the actions ourselves. Books can be an escape from reality, but why not just escape it ourselves? Walk away from the city and swim in a pond. Don’t be afraid of dying. Society is present to keep us all alive. Everything it does is to teach us to live longer. We live in houses and have fire departments. Our life expectancy is almost 80. But at 80, will our experiences consist of vivid memories of living the life we were meant to live, or of words that taught us so we did not have to live it? Don’t take my resentment of words too personally. I know without them I couldn’t be doing this, and maybe I wouldn’t be alive. Sometimes I just like to imagine sleeping in a meadow without people thinking that it’s “weird.” Sometime I just like to imagine a world where a smile translates everything that needs to be expressed without an explanation behind the smile. Sometimes I just like to imagine living without having to go certain places at certain times to say certain things.
Dominique: I can’t even tell you how appalled I was to read that somebody said that you didn’t deserve to be happy. I can’t even imagine telling somebody a worse thing. A couple weeks ago, I had a similar thought inspired by something my friend told me, and I was debilitated for several days. I could barely function. And that was just me conjuring up that thought myself. My friend had never explicitly said that. I really hope that stupid statement won’t always hurt, because if there was a person in the world who didn’t deserve to be happy, even though I tend to feel everybody does, it would be the person who said it. That seems a little contradictory, but you get my point.
ReplyDeleteTom: Okay, at least I’m not completely alone in my whole feelings on words. They just can’t adequately explain everything right. They can try and they can succeed beautifully, but there are just some things words can truly describe. They can paint nice pictures, but the effect is never exact. And I love your optimistic attitude with the whole thing about not bathing in the low points. And don’t you love the memories from when you’re that young? They’re so unpolluted and important to who we are.
Nyamekye: Nothing makes me happier than making other people happy, and I can see you’re that way too. You always seem so frazzled when you upset somebody else because you never intentionally do that. Just because you’re not as forthright with your kindness as some other people are doesn’t make you mean. It just makes you interesting. People have to see past what’s right up front to notice how much you really care and like them. I’m proud to call you my friend, and I’m glad I actually talk to you more this year to be able to deserve that title myself.
And to Schuyler: You haven’t written your blog yet, but oddly, you just complimented me more than I think anybody else ever has. It almost makes me like and appreciate words more. But not enough, but that would be impossible to fully do. So I’d just like to thank you here.
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ReplyDeleteTo Dominique: The compliment "don't ever change" is one that gives a person such a great feeling--one of content and a kind of melty-gooey-insides feeling that is special to that phrase. I actually had a dream kind of recently that had a person in it telling me to not change and that I was great the way I was. I know it was just a dream, but I kinda think that was my subconscious telling me that I'm good the way I am right now, and that felt good (even though it technically came from me).
ReplyDeleteTo Amber: I'm sort of relieved that someone agreed with me about the words not being good enough. I completely agree that faces tell more than words do, except for those people that can hide their true feelings (like me) and go along a completely miserable day looking all cheery and filled with sunshine. Sometimes I just stop trying to hide it and it becomes so obvious to everybody around me because if I don't hide my feelings, I am so expressive that it is hard to not notice. I guess that is a kind of rebuttal for our point, but I still think that actions are greater than words by a long-shot.
“Just give up already. You’ll never get over this. You’ll never be normal.”
ReplyDeleteYou know that feeling you get when someone says something so unbelievably cruel that your world seems to be both stuck in space and spinning uncontrollably at the same time? Well, that was me.
Usually I find sincere insults like this one oddly invigorating. They fill me with passionate anger, giving me a cause to fight for, a reason to stand up. But not this one. At the time, in my already brittle state, I didn’t have the strength to stand. Instead, my heart simply shattered. Given the background behind the insult, and the person who said it to me, whom I had considered to be my closest ally, it was the most painful verbal jab I have ever been delivered.
It’s funny how in different contexts, words, and even insults, can take on completely different meanings. Six or so years ago, when this steamy insult was flung at me, I weakened at the knees. But now, looking back at the words, I can say with unexpected firmness that I own them. I own every syllable of that insult. You know what? She was right. I’m not normal. And I love that. In the years since I received this insult, I’ve come to cherish most the thing about myself that I once found unforgivably abominable. I now consider it a tremendous compliment to be called weird or strange, unorthodox or unusual, different or unique. Both my past and present have taught me that it’s the differences in people that make them strong. So, fine. I’ll never be normal. But never again will I let that stop me from being happy.
“Rachel, you’re more than meets the eye.”
A couple of years ago, when asked to describe me in the fewest words possible, this is what my friend said to me. It wasn’t a particularly intimate moment, just a friendly one, but it made me melt like ice cream in a volcano. The words have stuck with me ever since, though my friend probably doesn’t even remember saying them. I love the idea of being greater than expected, of surprising someone with the contrast of who I appear to be and who I really am. Maybe that’s why I hide so much. I’m curious to see who’ll stick around to learn more, and who will get bored and walk away. I have an odd passion for slowly (VERY slowly) revealing to someone the little pieces that make up the puzzle that is Rachel Filippone. I’ve never aimed to be one of the popular girls, because I don’t want people to love me before they know me. I want them to love me after.
Although I understand their power, I’m not the biggest fan of words. Actions speak so much louder. For the purposes of reading and writing, I relish words. But when it comes to life, I think people rely far too heavily on their power. Maybe if we stop trying to put every little emotion into words, and just showed the world who we are, there wouldn’t be so many misconceptions, so many broken hearts. Maybe a life with fewer words could be unimaginably beautiful. Without constantly worrying about what to say, we could just…be.
This is difficult for me, to find the worst thing anyone's ever said to me, because I've been pretty sheltered for the first 16 years of my life. I've been needled, pricked at, poked at, but that's about the extent of it; I can't recall ever being truly made fun of, truly hurt. People have described me as awkward before, which is true to some extent, my lack of romantic relationships is a good indicator of this social ineptitude. I suppose this is somewhat hurtful, but mostly because it's something true about myself that I resent. After reflecting for a long time, I remembered something Mr. Sera said to me last year, and it wasn't anything vindictive or intentionally malevolent, something just said in passing. Mr. Sera likes to play a game with his students called the yes-no game, he asks a series of questions, and the other player has to avoid answering with yes or no. Playing against me, he asked a series of questions, one of which got me slightly angered (which is a very good strategy in this game, as angry people don't think very clearly) and I promptly answered with a defiant “no.” I can't come remotely close to remembering the question, but what he said afterward has stuck with me for a while. “I knew I could get to you through your ego,” he said, and then moved on to another player. I was dumbfounded, mostly because of how insanely right he was, I had responded with the anger typical of an egotistical, self-assured teenager. I thought I was better than that, which of course led to the next revelation, “I really do think I'm better than others.” Uh oh. This comment, along with a strong dose of perspective, has taught me that I'm not such an incredible individual as I thought I was. The reevaluation that was prompted by that comment has improved me as a person, making me confident rather than cocky, self-assured instead of self-infatuated.
ReplyDeleteThe best compliment I ever received was from a baseball teammate of mine, named Matt Schenker, who once told me that he, “Would be surprised if I didn't play professional baseball.” I shrugged it off outwardly, but it was really heart-warming to hear those words of encouragement. Unfortunately, young Mr. Schenker was probably wrong, and should really never become a major league scout. As I've continued playing baseball, I've discovered what professional talent looks like, and it doesn't look like me. Regardless of the reality of my talent, the hope that all my dreams could come true lives with that compliment. I doubt Matt even remembers saying this to me, and I don't think I'll ever mention it to him, but I'll cling to the hope that his words represent. Picturing myself on TV, 9th inning, bases-loaded, in game seven of the World Series may be unrealistic, but it's uplifting enough that it's I'll never let go of that image.
Both of these quotes showed me something about myself, Mr. Sera showed me how self-absorbed I was, and Schenker reminded me that a dream is a powerful thing, even if it's just a dream. The common thread is that neither of these comments where meant to be life-changing, they were passing words that just happened to affect me powerfully. And if I can say this in a manner that is minimally egomaniacal, I think both show that I'm willing to improve myself, because whether or not your dreams can come true, the act of striving for them can be just as fulfilling as the achievement itself.
Kendall- I wouldn't really know what to say about what your father said to you in reference to your boyfriend, other than something about how it show racism is really not dead in America. So instead I'll focus on the best thing you've ever been told, stay positive right? Anyway, I could not agree with this more, because I believe that the only things worth a damn are the things that come from hard work. Having an intrinsic, in-born talent is nice, but being recognized for the hours of effort, and the results that inevitably come from that effort, is more satisfying than being told, “You're smart” or “You're talented” a thousand times.
ReplyDeleteAmber- The most powerful impression that the enormity of the universe (and the possibility of other, equally enormous universes) leaves on me is how self-absorbed humanity is to believe that they could possibly be the only thing in all of that space that's worth giving a damn about. I'll just leave that there.
Rachel- I'm sure this is cliché and and I'm sure you know this, but who gives a damn about being normal? Oh you wrote something along those lines right after that, well this is awkward........ I'd like to agree with your statement about stuffing less emotion into words, but with one stipulation. The emotional charges put into language need to be replaced with reason and thought, because words can derive tons of power from emotion, but the power that words garner when they represent meaningful ideas is the power necessary for progress. Emotionally charged language spawns bickering, but content-filled writing and speech can inspire epiphanies, revelations or an equally well-thought-out rebuttal.
Kendall:
ReplyDeleteI don't even know how I would react if my parents ever said something to me like that. Fortunately, my parents don't care what race the person I like is, all that matters is that they treat me right. I know often times we joke with one another about the types of guys we both like. I'm always like "Ewww Kendall you like black guys" and you're like "Ew Mimi, you like white guys" but all I can say is, that you should love who you love. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. Just as long as they make you happy. This is cliche, but I truly believe love has no boundaries.
Amber: I feel like my mother is the same way. Though she's never said anything as harsh as that, often times however, she does ask me if I'm going to cry. Or if she sees me crying, she will bluntly tell me to stop. Though in the beginning I didn't know why she'd tell me to stop, now I understand. It's like the old saying don't cry over spilled milk. Sure, crying releases your emotions but is it really going to help the situation? No. My mother's mom died when she was young, before the age of 10. She basically had to grow up and be the mother figure for her siblings. As a result, my mother taught me how to be strong, and grow a thick skin. And though her comments used to hurt, I've learned how to deal with devasting events. What I find hilarious though, is that you actually like the comment "you're so different." Personally, I dread that comment. It's one that makes me cringe.
Ahhh... the power of words. I'm not quite sure if I can say that I have something
ReplyDeleteso pussiant as words, then words. With only a few select words out of endless lists
a person's whole life can change. Deaths, marriages, wars and alliences are all created
through the use of chit chat. Several rememorable times in my life, I can very easily
recall conversations I've had with people. I don't know why, but I can recall specific
quotes from conversations people don't even remember happened. Two of these
recolletions are the worst and best "things" that people have told me.
Since the absolute worst thing someone told me, about me, was highly personal
and if word gets out, trouble will start with my family, I'll relay the next worst thing.
In third grade I had the worst teacher of my life. I've never met someone so... just
plain out rude in my whole existance. (Even the people in the Oakcrest hallways
are better then she was) We were doing a book report and for me, it was my first.
She, in my opinion, didn't explain to me quite exactly what I was doing wrong, only that
I was... well, doing it wrong. One day I went to her desk, I'll say about five or so times
asking questions about how to fix my paper. Instead of doing her job, my teacher got
pissed off at me and pushed my papers off her desk and basiclly told me that I was
a waste of time, I couldn't learn anything, I wouldn't go anywhere in life and that I
would fail at everything I attempted.
Being highly interested in education and looking forward to going to college as
an adult I took this very personally. This statement took a huge blow at my entire
existance and shredded everything my mother did to educate me as a child.
What she didn't know however, was that in kidnergarten the school district wanted
to put me in second grade. My mom said no. In first grade, they wanted to
put me in third. Again my mom said no. My entire childhood was structured around
my education. I read ablut three to four decent sized book every week. Before I went
to kidnergarten I was completeing fourth grade practice workbooks. If you haven't
got the picture yet, this personally attack was devistating. I ended up not passing the
book review, but I did get straight A's every year from fourth grade through middle school.
I am motivated to prove this woman wrong. I am motivated to make my parent proud.
I am motivated to make a positive difference in the world, no matter how small, all
because of a really really crappy teacher.
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ReplyDeleteOn the flip side people, usually strangers, say truely beautiful things about me. This
ReplyDeletequote isn't by one of those strangers, but it is by a man that I see, take care of, and grow
closer to everyday. That person is my grandfather. about six years ago he had a major stroke and lost most of his movement in both his left leg and arm. He also lost his ability to swollow properly and his ability to speak normally. Since then he's had numerous stokes, both major
and minor. Every day I help to take care of him. The man that used to tuck me into sleep,
I now put in bed. The man that provided food for my sister and I when our parents couldn't
afford it, I am now feeding. I can't express to you guys how much I love this man. I really don't know what I would do without him. Friday night my dad and I were putting him in bed and
as usual I was taking his slippers and socks off. He looked at me, sitting helplessly on the edge of his bed, my dad holding him up, and in his broken voice said:
" Jerry (that's my dad) you have an amazing doughter. Janel, you do so, so, so, much for me
and grandmom," and then he started crying, "you're smart, beautiful, strong and determined. Everything I wish I could be. People go through their lives' without knowing love at all. I am blessed by God to have you as my grandaughter. I couldn't ask for anything better in the world."
I never realized how much I really do for him. To me, I'm doing what I can to make his life better. Much like he did many times for me. But everyday I make his life easier. I make his life worth living. A deep passion of mine is volunteering, just helping people in general. It didn't even faze me that I didn't have to put this man in bed for the last five years. It never fazed me that I didn't have to even come to his house everyday. In reality, I've kept this man alive. Without me my grandparents would be lost. It's amazing how just doing what I love doing can create such an impact on a person. I thought about this quote a lot the past weekend. It changed me. I don't know how quite yet. I can't explain it, but I can feel it...
Now if this were my middle school days I would tell a half truth story of my best and worst things ever said to me because my “worst things said” come with a story behind them however, as I grow older I feel the need to let some of my personal feelings and experiences out because I’ve bottle up too much and it becomes hard for people to know me. Little by little I’ll expand on stories of my life (it makes a good novel I’ve heard) Anyway.... there is one memory I have that goes with something horrible that was said to me and that will never be erased.
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing I ever had said to me is "Get out!!!" OK out of context, I know that those words seem to harmless to be the harshest words said to me but you have to understand the situation. OK, well since this isn't a secret anymore (because I addressed it in my occasional paper) I feel I can share this. To those who aren't in period 12, well you'll just get to learn something about me. You all know my mom is schizophrenic by now (if not well there it is).
It was nighttime, maybe a little past midnight and I was getting up to go to the bathroom. After I was finished I went into my moms room to give her a hug (yes I love my mom, got a problem). I usually do this just because I want to know if my mom knows I love her and she usually wakes up and gives me one back. When I was young I felt like perhaps her schizophrenia might mess with my moms understanding of love because she seemed to have that apathetic feeling I was talking about.(maybe that’s where I get it from)But after I gave her a hug, I sat on her bed for a while because I didn't feel like getting back up to go to my room. My mom went back to sleep after a while, and then it happened out of the blue. I felt shaking on the bed. Of course I thought it was my mom just changing positions, trying to find a comfortable position but, it wasn't, she was having a seizure. At that time I had no idea what a seizure was, so I didn't have any idea what was going on. She was violently shaking, her eyes were going white, and she was foaming at the mouth. I panicked I yelled for my grandma, who was in her room. Then i called the first person I always call whenever I’m in a situation. I called my uncle on the phone and told him to come over quick to check on my mom, and I immediately went back in her room. (Just for background knowledge: my uncle lives across the street from me) He finally came over and as I was yelling and crying about "what the hell was happening to my mom" he yells at me and tells me to " GET OUT!!!" and of course because my uncle was a big disciplinarian I obeyed but that didn't stop my crying or screaming. I thought I was about to lose my mom like I had so many relatives already by this point. So much happened after that that it would make my blog too long, but in short I eventually was told to go across the street and spend the night with my cousin Jamar. And I was never really told why this occurred perhaps because they thought I was too young or I just never asked, but I feel that it may have something to do with diabetes or something because it runs in my family.
The greatest thing ever said to me, isn't really a compliment, its just a statement that made me extremely happy. “You have 2 sisters” was the phrase. I know it sounds like ”OK you have two sisters, so what?” But you need to understand that I always felt alone, I am the only child in the house. No one to really talk to, no one to mess around, no one to just love as an actual brother and sister. Life was lonely, but I got through it OK because I had a few friends. Well the excitement from those words did die down because I was told this when I was like 10. I expected that after I was told this I would meet them; my dad would just show up and I would show me my younger sister and older sister. That didn’t happen but I was still excited. No matter what, I knew one day I would meet them. That day came when I was in 8th grade, my step mom randomly came by and she had an extra person in the car, I was wondering who it was, and my step mom told me it was half sister Donja. I was excited again because now I’m finally meeting them however, my other sister wasn't in the car. It turned out though what I was expecting a younger and older sister, turned out to be 2 older sisters. (My other sister is named Naja) And then I was told I had a older brother which really made me happy, but... misfortune.... Anyway having a sisters has been great, after meeting both of them we started to hang out periodically. We don't get to hang out as much now though since that time because Donja has college and is getting married and Naja has her sons, Mikey and Donnie, my two energetic nephews but its fun when we get together. Recently for thanksgiving I went over my Dad's to visit the other side of my family and hung out with a bunch of family I have never meant and had a blast.
ReplyDeleteThese “best and worst things said” have one thing in common they ring through my ears, I can never forget them. They helped to make me who I am, and forgetting them would be like forgetting who I am. See the best and worst thing said to you, are just that the best or worst things that you remember. They had power when they were spoken and mean something to you and “Get Out” and “You have 2 sisters” means something to me.
Rachel: We have similar "negative" quotes. I'm sure the backgrounds are different, but in context they are very similar. It's disgusting how cruel people can be. We used our instances to grow, in different ways of course! I'm glad that you found a way to take a horrible situation and flip it to make you happy!!!
ReplyDeleteDominique: Don't ever change. Your a great person and even though everyone has their flaws you hide yours well. I've never had problems with you or ever wondered why I had to deal with you. You're really cool (as cliche as thatis) and I enjoy having classes with you. We aren't close friends, but from what I know from being around you, you're quite amiable. As cheesy as this reply is, it's true :P
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ReplyDeletePatrick: Who ever told you you have 2 sisters lied. You have 4! Julie and I are really your biological kin (SURPRISE!!)! To a more serious note, I know how important your family is to you, no matter how messed up it is. I have a lot of respect for you for that very reason. As your friend this post made me happy. You've delt with a lot of crap in your life and I am glad there is somewhere or someone you can go to. I really am glad you're involved with your sisters. Sometimes a sister can be the best thing in the world, trust me I have one. Oh wait, she's your sister too!!! I forgot!!!
ReplyDeleteThis blog probably doesn’t as easy to me as it probably does to others. Words have just never had the impact on me that they really should. Well, let me rephrase that, Words themselves do not have that large of an impact on me. Yeah, you might think this is strange, but I can’t typically recall a person’s words, no matter how crucial they are. As a true drama nerd, I believe that words have no meaning without the idea that is being portrayed by those words. If anything ever sticks to my mind from a conversation, it will most likely be the idea behind the conversation itself, not the contents of what is being said.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, like all human beings (being that I am one), there are a few moments in my life that I will always remember. Even though some of them I’d rather not. I can’t really recall off the top of my head many things that was necessarily bad. However, the worst was said by my mom and at often times my sister would harp along. The gist of what she would tell me is that drama was a waste of my time and hers and she would anger me by telling me that I could no longer do the thing that I loved most. The one particular time that this got out of hand was my freshman year when my mom had tried to remove me from performing in One Acts the day of the show. I was actually a lead character in it, too. She attempted this out of pure anger towards something Dr. Steinacher did that day which was out of my reign of power to fix. Thanks to my dad, I was still able to perform that night. When I looked out into the audience I saw a hole, my mom and sister stayed home.
That hurt me to no belief. It hurt me that my mom and sister didn’t care about me enough to put aside their own anger towards someone else to support me on a big day. If anything, this explains why I show my love for the arts. I know in the future, I will never miss my kid’s baseball game or any one of his/her performances. That day, along with others, I built the true basis of my persistence. If someone tells me that I can’t do something, I’ll do it just to prove them wrong.
One of the best things someone has ever said to me was by my girlfriend. I was never to fond of my voice, ever since I was little. Recordings of it make me want to shoot myself, and don’t even get me started with the way that I sing. Even my dad, who I consider to be my biggest supporter in life, tells me that I need work on my voice. However, one day Leah, my girlfriend, and I were talking about what we sound like because she had just heard a recording of herself that she hated her voice in. I told her about how I feel the same way and how there’s nothing wrong with it (because there isn’t) and she had told me that it was one of the reasons she started to like me.
I don’t know why this necessarily made my day, but it did. Maybe it’s because she made me feel like the worst part of me didn’t exist. It was something that I never really felt before when someone told me anything. It made me see the best in me, which I tend to do whenever I can now. I guess I’m pretty darn thankful for Leah, then.
Ted:
ReplyDeleteAlthough you apparently don’t take much stock in compliments, I won’t refrain from telling you how incredible a writer you are. It’s such an interesting idea to me to be so unaffected by words, as you seem to be. It really is absurd to let someone else’s words shape your opinion of yourself. People have drastically varying views, while makes humans, as a whole, horribly reckless judges of character. Also, I’ve always hated that “You’re going to be successful” compliment. How can anyone possibly know how much success you will or won’t achieve? It sounds like more of a cheap horoscope than a compliment.
Janel:
Don’t you just love a good insult every once in a while? It lights a fire under you and forces you to grow in a way you never thought you could. It looks like we have that mentality in common. I find it so admirable that you were able to take one of the harshest things someone’s ever said to you, and build so much character on just the foundation of those words. As far as what your grandfather said to you, I can hardly imagine being flattered in so deep a way. It’s funny how a few simple words can open up the mind or the heart and make someone see something in an entirely different light.
I guess, I've always like words?
ReplyDeleteThey're like the atoms, that make up the world we live in. They're what actions are predicated on, I think. Lots of words. They chop up the complexity of life and filter it down into little bite sized, easily processed chunks. Invaluable, really. Human society is amazing. People are amazing.
I don't like it when someone asks me a question where I have to go rummaging around in my past, only because, most of the time, I can't remember it. I'm never going to be able to find these things Bunje wants. Sorry. That's not how my memory works.
I've often looked inside myself to examine my ideals and ideas, and why I might have them and how they might affect me from day to day, but that is the me of now. The past is a different country. I don't have a passport there. Someone I'd met over the Internet and known for not five minutes said I was incredibly interesting. Someone I know said I was the most interesting person they knew. I really, really liked that. That was a great person, who said that. Perhaps I just know these compliments by heart because they're so recent, though, and they too will fade into the miasma of the past, eventually. I'd like to think that won't happen.
I don't remember any insults. I don't think I'm the kind of guy people insult. Why would they? I've never done anything malicious to anyone. I very rarely get mad. And so people don't insult me, except random people, occasionally, people I assume must be in some sort of sour mood or something, but that's ok, I let them slide. I doubt they really mean it. It's just words, after all, right? Hah.
I think I just evaluate myself, instead of being evaluated by others. I mean, I don't get many compliments or insults, or at least any I remember. What else am I supposed to do? I dunno. I'm ok with being me.
I guess actions speak louder than words? I like hugs. Not enough people give hugs, I think. That'd be nice. Uhm. Huh. I don't even know where I was going with this. Jeez. I guess I'm not really feeling anything very strongly here. That sucks. I'll get some verve into my responses or something.
Have fun, guys. You're all so great.
Wait, I just got it.
ReplyDeleteWords are things to be manipulated, and they can have great power, but don't mistake the words for the things themselves. It's not often words work like that, and in the end many words are throwaways to another end, and not the end in itself.
The worst thing that anyone has ever said to me may have been forgotten. The human mind tends to block out the bad memories and slowly erase them with time, in some cases. That is why many say “time heals all wounds,” whether it’s true or not. I’m going to give the best example that I can reminisce because the worst words ever spoken to me may have slipped my mind a long time ago. Because I do recall at least one instance, the words that were spoken must have some importance if I can remember them exactly.
ReplyDeleteTHE YIN: One day I was sitting in the passenger seat while my mother drove me to my weekly music lesson. Like any conversation I have during this weekly tradition, I’m not sure how it started. I was explaining to her how I’m completely different from my father. We just have nothing in common. He loves cars and football, but I don’t really care for either. We like different types of music. He never valued his education as much as I value mine. He, like my twin brother, will not read a book. That’s what movies are for. Anyway, I wasn’t complaining, I was just telling it how it was. My mom tried to convince me that my dad wants to spend more time with me and find something in common. But then, out of nowhere, she said it: “I think it bothers him.” The image I have of my father is the insensitive and sarcastic guy that he is. If anything bothers him, it makes him angry, but never sad. But I could tell that my mother was trying to tell me that this predicament upsets him. I guess these words really stuck out to me because it portrayed my father in a sense that I never really imagined. It made me feel uncomfortable to imagine my father disconcerted. The man who was always happy or angry now has the ability to be sad.
THE YANG: I guess this one came to mind a bit easier than the yin. Sometime last year I was at home texting a friend who told me that she had a crush on me. Not only is it uncommon for a girl to have a crush on me, but she actually wasn’t bad looking. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t interested in dating her and we remained friends. But anyway, while I don’t remember the exact words, I do remember that she told me I was “hot.” This wasn’t just uncommon for me: it never happened to me before, and it hasn’t happened since. I have no muscle mass and I’m not that tall either. This was my supposition to explain the lack of a previous experience. Only family members have previously called me “handsome,” but everyone knows that doesn’t count. This was probably the best compliment ever given to me because it is a compliment that is only given to those beautiful enough to deserve it. Did I agree with her compliment? No, and I was hesitant to accept it because no such thing has ever reached my ears before. A decent looking girl called me “hot,” and it made me feel like a million dollars. I’d even go as far as saying it boosted my self-confidence.
What I said about the yin could imply that I’m uncomfortable with seeing people change or presented to me in an unexpected way. Maybe I chose this instance because the relationship I have with my father is more important to me than I thought. The compliment that I chose for my yang could easily imply that my self-confidence was, or still is, down in the gutter. I may get compliments here and there, but never based upon my appearance. Now to be critical of myself, I think the examples I chose for yin and yang portray my personality to be sensitive and weak. While it’s not explicit, I seem to be complaining about my relationship with my father and my appearance. That obviously isn’t my intention, and I hope not to be received that way.
To Tom: I remember you telling me that story about pre-school before, but I never thought that you would ever publicly announce it. Like Dominique said, I admire your ability to readily ignore negative comments. I can shake them off most of the time, but not always. Also, I like your use of parentheticals because it really adds to the effect of your writing.
ReplyDeleteTo James: You’re blog post was quite entertaining to read. I remember the yes-no game from last year but I never decided to volunteer. Becoming egotistic is a great fear of mine because I know I’m smarter than a lot of people. I’m not smarter than you of course, but you know what I mean. I believe there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I try to stay far away from it because I’m not sure I could find the sweet spot. Dreams are more powerful than most people realize, and the conclusion of your blog post was simply awesome.
To Michael G: I think your anger toward your mother and sister is justified. Drama is something you love to do and they shouldn’t try to stop you from performing. I also have the same mindset to prove someone wrong when they tell me something cannot be fixed. One time, something was broken and I was attempting to fix it when my dad said, “It can’t be fixed. It’s a factory defect.” Conversely, that encouraged me even more to fix it, and I did. Also, one’s voice can be important, but only if you let it get to you. I remember some friends jokingly said to me “Hey Dan, make that funny voice!” and I’d say “What funny voice?” And then they would just start laughing, implying that my normal voice was “funny” whether they believed it or not.
Tom: I think I'l have to steal your "a picture's worth a thousand words" line there. Anyway, I'm glad you learned that lesson back in pre-school, just in time for you to meet me in kindergarten! Your mom has the right idea. I think you need to learn how to take some of those more positive comments to heart though, they're great ways to help boost self esteem in case it ever runs low.
ReplyDeletePatrick: I never knew you had siblings! Why didn't you tell me before? I hope that's everything has been going better with your mom and all, and it's nice to hear that you get to see the side of the family that you missed out on before. If you don't mind me asking, why did you write misfortune after the part about your older brother?
James: I'm with you on that egotistical boat, though I don't try to be and I tend to refrain from it for the most part. I know that sometimes I appear that way to people (they've told me). Also, it may just be a dream to you, but with enough hard work I think you could do whatever it is you want to. I may just be a dreamer myself, but I believe those words 100%. Don't let go of that dream.
Amber: I don't quite see the Universe the same way as you do, at least not now. Instead of being disappointed in even our most pointless and stupid of rituals, even those fill me with a kind of pride. Far from lamenting our ignorance of the vast Universe beyond our proverbial doorstep, I take faith in humanity. We've carved out a niche, here on Earth. We've lit the torch of culture, and we've swept art and literature to the four corners of the globe to plant it and keep that darkness away. With the insanity of the limitless Universe all around us, we've staked out an Earth that is human, a bastion against the nothingness. Without these rituals people would go mad, really, even though they often are stupid and seem counterproductive to humanity as a whole.
ReplyDeleteBut words can be as important as actions are. I think, personally, there's a blend that needs to be made, or a balance reached. Can you have one without the other? I suppose. I don't think it would work out well, though.
And I think that by not sleeping in your meadow you're just letting words entrap you. I've fallen asleep in a field watching a star shower. It's awesome. Just because someone says it's weird doesn't mean it's not awesome. But you've still got 70 years left to do whatever you want. And you CAN do what you want.
And thank you, too.
Tom: I admire your recognition of thoughts. I love thought so much. I think about them all the time. They are basically the best thing ever. I also like that you can throw words away when you know they aren't important, but value them when they are. That's a good distinction to have.
response to Dan: Thanks Dan, I don't think your voice is funny in the least bit. The only thing that's funny about you is your humor! (I love your jokes)
ReplyDelete"What the hell are you doing! You're always so fucking lazy at practices! No wonder you're always afraid of swimming against me, you never practice! How are you ever going to swim in high school! This is why you're not even that good!" -Victor G.
ReplyDeleteAs an 8th grader swimming with high schoolers, I though I was pretty hot stuff. Especially when I was practicing with seniors, like Vick. At times though, I was lazy. I blamed it on being "young". Regardless, I felt like a superstar swimmer. Until, of course, this happened. We were swimming 200s (a really long sprinting event) and I hoped out and sat on the side of the pool, it wasn't too uncommon for me. It was hard, I was tired, and I felt lazy. Then, all of a sudden, Vick started screaming at me. I was stunned, Vick was a really nice guy, and there he was yelling at me. I was totally caught off guard, and everyone was looking at me. The chief emotion I felt was embarrassment, but I also felt angered, scared, and powerless. The thing that upset me the most were everyone else’s faces. They didn’t show signs of “Take it easy on him Vick”, they were more like “That’s right Vick! You tell him!”. Why do I remember this event? For two reasons really. One, I learned from it and adapted. And two, I find myself acting just like Vick. After the incident, I cut all the crappy excuses I had been making. I started training harder and skipping less (even in the dreaded 200s). By the time I got to high school, I had started at the top. I’m sure Vick remembers that moment, but I still have mixed feelings concerning it. On one hand, it was totally devastating. However, it also made me realize my own laziness and inspired me to work harder. Sometimes I feel like I should thank him for saying that to me. As I mentioned earlier, the time he yelled at me had such an impact on me, that sometimes I find myself acting like him. Now I’m the senior who has to deal with the young and lazy hotshot swimmers. At practice I will publicly humiliate anyone being lazy. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but possibly it makes me a better person for trying to better them.
“Your good at swimming, your really good at school, and everyone likes you. Are you perfect at everything?” - Louie
I’m a sucker for compliments. Especially one’s that are exaggerated or overdone. Something about compliments satisfy my egotistical dependence. It might make me a jerk, or a narcissist, but I just love compliments. To call someone perfect is overdoing it, no matter what the circumstances, even I agree with that. But why this statement hit me so much was because it was from someone younger than me. When Louie said this, I felt like a model (as in a role model, not a fashion model). I felt as if I were someone worth replicating, and it felt good. Even though the statement had a large dose of hyperbole, I took it as truth, and it was a major confidence booster. Have there been better things said to me in the past? Probably, but none of them are as memorable as this one. The emotions I took on from this statement were what made the moment so memorable. Why do I remember it so much? Probably because I have an egotistical side. To put it as simply as I can, I love myself. Compliments feed the of egotism inside of me.
Janel, didn’t we have that same teacher together? If so, I could totally see her doing that to a student. Kudos to you for overcoming it though. That’s about as low as a teacher can get. There is no way a statement or action like that could NOT affect a student. The fact that you pushed on after that (being a tiny little kid) blows my mind. I feel down when my mom reviews my papers, I can’t fathom how I would feel if Bunje (or some other teacher) pulled something like what your teacher did on me.
ReplyDeleteWow Kendall, and I though MY dad was racist! I give you credit for writing the comment you did, I probably wouldn’t have. I can see, obviously, why that has affected you so much. The most amazing thing is that you seem to have some-what shrugged it off. Don’t get me wrong though! I would never expect someone to forget about something like that, but when you say “But most of all, I feel sorry for him, him and anyone else that could be that ignorant and immoral.” It seems like you’ve started to overcome the comment and become stronger because of it, which I am appalled by. I doubt I could ever start to overcome something like that.
James, I believe you are very like minded with me, having read your comment. Although your best comment was also very flamboyant and overdone, you took it in and enjoyed it. We’re both a sucker for comments, but there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself on a pedestal. Well, at least I don’t think so.
Mike:
ReplyDeleteIt’s amazing to think that your least favorite thing about yourself can be someone else’s favorite thing. As much as I try to accept and appreciate everything about myself, most of all I hate that I’m quiet. Not too long ago someone told that that my quietness makes me not only interesting, but because of its rarity, beautiful. I know they’re just words, little meaningless letters glued together to make sentences, but sometimes words can move mountains for reasons you can't seem to explain. I, too, know the feeling of having someone who, without even trying, can make your flaws vanish into thin air, and it really makes me appreciate the power of words.
Kendall: Wow. I think you have some serious guts to post that about your dad, and I really respect you for doing that. I’m glad that you see things differently than your father because in a lot of instances, if a person is raised by racist parents, the child usually becomes racist, so the ignorance keeps occurring through generations. It’s really amazing that you’ve been able to overcome that. I think you said it best when you said you were sorry for him. I, too, feel sorry for people who are racist. Also, about the compliments you listed from your friends, I wanted to say that I couldn’t agree with them more. You really do have the ability to change someone’s mood. I’ve experienced it firsthand. It’s a great quality to have, and not a lot of people possess that.
ReplyDeleteMichael that is so cute :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Olivia :) and Rachel, being quiet is never a bad thing. I think I've probably told you this before, but it's something that I wish I could do more often! Whoever told you that is right though, it makes you different and interesting, I can't help to think what's going on in your head that you aren't saying sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSchulyer:
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you liked hugs...You gave me a hug this week though so....
Your post made me kind of upset, though happy at the same time. I always feel like you're content with what goes on around you. And even when everything is crappy or you're in a bad mood, I rarely see it. I love how you don't try to dwell in the past.
Janel:
I can tell you're a caring person. Just this year, when we talk in Latin class, I always find myself laughing with you about something. This probably doesn't mean much to you, but it takes a lot of work to help a grandparent. When I was young, I watched my grandfather die before my eyes basically. To this day I feel guilty that I never did anything or helped him. I was really little, about 5, but it still bothers me. You grandfather i truly lucky to have someone like you in their life. Someone who loves them unconditionally.
Plenty of harsh words have entered my ears. Most often, those words have come out of the mouths of my own parents. I can’t remember that many of the things they’ve said to me, but there is one phrase that still lingers in my memories. I don’t recall the words exactly, perhaps because it was said to me in Cantonese, my native language, which I now lack fluency in. Or perhaps it’s just because of how long it’s been.
ReplyDeleteBut it pretty much translated to this:
“I’ll kick you out of the house and onto the streets (to die).”
The “to die” part is inferred. This is what my father would say to me when I frustrated him. This was something I heard several times as a child not even past second grade. I know this is the worst thing that’s been said to me because it’s one of the few things that I’ve remembered throughout all these years with only my mind, and no pictures or people to remind me of it. I don’t exactly remember how it made me feel. I know it made me feel bad. And if I wasn’t already crying when my dad said this phrase to me, I probably started crying then. If your own dad threatens to abandon you, and you’re a tiny, feeble child who takes things to heart, you shut up and obey. Or at least you cry some more. So, if you’re a parent one day, and you feel like you want to shatter your child’s barely-there confidence, little sense, and pretty much everything else, do what my dad did and threaten to leave them on the streets to die.
On the bright side, plenty of nice things have been said to me, mostly by my friends. I remember one of my best friends made me a scrapbook for my birthday a few years ago. Inside it, each of my closest friends had written a message for me, reminiscing about how we met and telling me how much I meant to them. I cried from happiness when I read their words.
However, I don’t really keep their messages in my mind or anything like that. I feel like a jerk saying this, but I don’t even remember exactly what my friends wrote in that scrapbook, and I forgot about that scrapbook for months until I found it cleaning my room not too long ago. I suppose their messages were the nicest things I’ve ever heard, but I guess they weren’t really that important to me since I don’t even remember them. I love my friends, but what can I say?
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ReplyDeletein response to Janel: I just wanted to say thanks for your comment. It was very sweet of you! It made me smile and feel all happy. Also, I wanted to comment on the relationship you share with your grandfather. Just after reading the comment of what he said to you, I was very touched (and the comment isn't even about me!) I know what it's like to have to help a family member who is not well. It takes time and effort out of your day, but you leave feeling accomplished and just all warm inside because you have made someone's day better by helping them do little things (like helping them get into bed, or just sitting and talking with them). In my scenerio, the relationship I share with my grandparents is priceless, and I can sense that you have some sort of a similiar relationship. It's an amazing thing to have, and you have such a beautiful quality in helping them. (:
ReplyDeleteTo Rachel: I can honestly say I don’t know you very well, and perhaps this is because you are very quiet. Nonetheless you make the impression upon me that you are a good and kind person. After thinking about it, I honestly feel that I relate to your tendency of “hiding” back and letting curiosity take its course in terms of who will stick around. I too have never sought to be popular, and I think I’m perfectly fine with that. I appreciate the passion you are communicating when you say that such negative comments only fuel your drive. This is what makes someone strong; the will to fight adversity and come up on top.
ReplyDeleteTo James: I think I was absent the day you played the Yes-No game with Sera, but I recall speaking with you about it, or rather hearing about it. Anyway, I don’t think Sera intended any harm, I think he was trying to help you as you noted. This is what I would mark as fair criticism that is meant to be heeded, and as you did, you adjusted yourself. I definitely noticed a change in your attitude from last year and thought it was strange. Regardless it’s good when we realize something negative about ourselves, and subsequently are strong enough to correct it. It takes perseverance to change a mindset; I suppose words can have these effects.
To Mike G: Well that was certainly interesting, mainly because I don’t recall you telling me about your One Acts experience. Aren’t we friends? Just Kidding. But I never knew that, and I think that experience speaks volumes about your drive and character. I suppose I relish the idea of setting out to prove others wrong when they say I can’t do something. It’s a good way to live. Ignore the negatives.
Connie: Oh my gosh! I feel so special being the source of one of the “best compliments” you’ve received. I was so surprised to suddenly see my name in there. I’m not going to lie, this kind of made my day. I’m just happy I made someone else happy. Also, I think the first line of the couplet had something to do with how you would always call me “Emily Ding.” It’s funny how you still do that now, four years later, haha.
ReplyDeleteKendall: It’s crazy how racism is still abound in society. My family is well, also racist. I have racist parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who’ve probably been racist for their entire lives. (Typing this is painful, haha..) So I understand what it’s like. You’re right, realizing your parent is an immoral person sucks pretty bad. On the bright side, my family has taught me how NOT to be, and they’ve made me hate discrimination even more.
Janel: First, off that teacher should have been fired. I seriously hate teachers like that. They’re beyond crappy, and shouldn’t be teaching anyone, especially not children. (I’ve had my own bad experiences, being bullied by a second grade teacher who prided herself on being named “Meanest Teacher of the Year.”) Onward, the second part of your post, the “good things” part, was inspiring... My eyes got watery when I read what your grandfather said. Volunteering is probably the best passion anyone could have, and it’s great what you’ve been doing.
I may have a slight problem. The problem being something that really isn’t all that much of a problem. Repressed memories are really a solution, excluding cases such as this one, where I have to think of something terrible someone has said to me. Honestly, nothing’s coming to me. Things that I once considered terrible have really turned out for the better. Insults have turned into opportunities for change. And recently, no one has asked me to change. Pretty nifty, right? If I think of anything, I’ll throw it on here as a side note for another blog. Also, that whole repressed memory deal is probably a lie. No one could’ve said something so scarring as to cause repressed memories. But how am I ever supposed to tell?
ReplyDeleteOkay. Now it’s time for the good stuff. The yang to my nonexistent yin. Am I allowed to do that? Isn’t there some rule in the universe that prevents me from doing that? OH WELL. I’m not doing anything from my parents. I know they love me, and I’m pretty sure I love them back. That’s another question for another time. But the problem is 1) I can’t remember anything incredibly significant, and 2) they love me unconditionally, and say things to me that may or may not be influenced by the unconditional love. Sure, the nice comments and compliments are pretty cool. Believe me, I can dig those. But they never had a huge effect on me. They never dug down into my being and stayed there. But my friends don’t have to love me unconditionally. Even now, after years of friendship, and what I’d like to think of as this nice thick piece of steel wire (I don’t even know if that’s a thing), an unbreakable bond, that love is still conditional. If I happen to screw up bad enough, they just won’t be friends of mine anymore. So the fact that people, who don’t have to say nice things to me, still say nice things to me anyways is just pretty awesome.
Okay. The actual yang, and not me rambling. I was in pre-calc, not doing anything, because that class was just too cool for school. I must’ve decided to stop reading whatever fantastic book I was reading (it may have been Atlas Shrugged. Eeeeecwaefkjhdsj anyways) and went to talk to a group of ladies next to me. I guess we were friends? I don’t know. Anyways, I was talking to Ciara, and we were talking about life. Or something similar. We were probably discussing the future. And she was describing this awesome future I was going to have, and I must’ve said something like, “Ciara, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” with a chuckle of sadness. I probably wasn’t very confident in my future at the time. Then she responds with, “But Cole, you deserve to be happy!” And on that day, metric tons of self-confidence were added onto these unburdened shoulders (unburdened with self-confidence. Not work, or stress. Jeez.). And now that I think of it, ever since I’ve been trying to be a better person, so I can one day say I deserve to be somewhat happy, and hopefully be happy.
But why does that comment stand out? I don’t know. Probably happiness. Someone thinking I deserve it. I suppose we have to go out and make our own happiness, but sometimes I just don’t want to. I’d like to claim it as my own, without toiling at the fields for it, day in and day out. I’d like it to come easy to me, and maybe it will. I don’t think that’s what Ciara meant, but that may just be the way it works out. And I’m okay with that.
Mikey G: Mikey I could have sworn i told you i had sisters. If not I completely apologize (I told said there is a lot people don't know about me though. And i have no problem telling why I wrote "misfortune" I just didn't want to make my blog longer because thats a whole other topic... I don't really know the whole story yet myself but he died the year I was born, so I never really knew him. (Told you my life is like some novel) Anywho... I get where your coming from about not remembering the words but the ideas that came with the words. Sometimes the words aren't important just the intent of what they are trying to say.It's the idea that makes us emotional and thus able to categorize those words as the "best or worst thing ever said to us"
ReplyDeleteJanel: Well supposedly I have a lot of brothers and sisters and sisters now and I like this feeling. My loneliness has been set aside. Anyway, i think I know who this teacher your talking about is but I'm not completely sure. Well let me rephrase I'm sure its her but I'm just having mild doubts. Ok is this teacher start with a H? It's funny because her name came up a few days ago. Its sad that a teacher puts down her own students. Don't worry you weren't the only one this happened too, I remember....ugh. In the beginning of the school year I would ask her questions and she would give me rude replies. So in the middle of the year I use to stay home from her class, pretending I was sick. When I actually couldn't stay home anymore she would be so cruel and I would get bad grades. Then when we were in 4th grade I prayed I didn't have her for class again because she switched to forth grade too. You want to know something, she was just a horrible teacher because with as soon as I hit forth grade I got into Math enrichment and was getting straight A's. My teacher in forth grade was a lot nicer and more paient than my third grade teacher.
Mimi: Same situation here. I have a habit of erasing bad memories too but I don't do it on purpose it just seems to happen. It could be a real life changing event and I just completely forget. It seems like with each passing year I forget more and more memories, and now I can only remember events from ages 10-17, whether good or bad.
Alright, I don't have the best of memories, but I can say that one thing really hurt me just the other night coming from my Dad. He said the same thing he always has for the last sixteen years of my life. We don't have the best relationship. He thinks we do, but he treats me like crap. Here's his exact words.
ReplyDelete"You don't know what you want. This isn't you. I guess it's just a phase."
It's funny that I find this to be the worst thing ever said to me, because people have said some horrible things to poor old BK, but let me explain. My dad is constantly telling me how to live my life. He tells me what I should be when I grow older, what to and not to do, where I should go to college, what my goals should be; typical parent talk. However, he has also told me to quit sports because I'm not good enough, he has told me what to wear because I "look like a fag" in the clothes I wear. He wants me to be him. So after hearing that I don't know what I want from someone who has known me (or has supposed to have known me) my entire life, how can you tell me I don't know what I want; that I'm not being myself. In a way, I think I've finally found myself this year, through school, friends, and music. I've found a true goal in life, with realistic aspirations behind it. (I suppose now would be a good time to tell you he was talking about my music.) More than likely, I won't be a professional musician, but there's nothing wrong with dreaming. And to say it's just a phase, that was just insulting. To refer to my hopes and dreams as a "phase" is ridiculous. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I put so much time and effort into this, and he comes and tries to tell me what I want and don't want. Wrong daddy-o, you don't know what I want.
As for the best thing ever said to me, it wasn't really directed towards me. It was at a swim banquet after my first year ever swimming, freshman year. I had just learned to swim and became a pretty good swimmer over the year with help from my coach. He believed in me enough to work me through not being able to complete one lap in forty seconds, to finishing sixteen laps in under five and a half minutes. (Since you don't really know swim times you may not understand, but it's a decent accomplishment). At the banquet, my coach had this to say, in tears.
"I have never seen someone with more heart."
To hear that coming from someone that had only known me for about four months, I was blown away. I was ecstatic for the outcome of the season, and to finally know my final time, and I was also speechless because of what my coach had just told me. He had seniors graduating that he may never see again, and said he never saw someone with more heart in swimming than me? That's incredible. Personally, I don't think I deserved such a crazy compliment, but hell, I'll take it. Those words are what inspire me to work hard in everything I do now, especially swimming. I am very competitive, and I like to be the best (as most of you know) so to hear that from my coach, just left me with nothing to say except thank you. I still don't think he understands how much that means to me, but I'll be sure to tell him when I graduate (have to save it for the right time).
Words are truly incredible things. Such simple quotes that you wouldn't expect them to be my best compliment and worst degrading comment. But when it comes down to it, it's the message that comes from behind the words. Reading in between the lines is what made them the best and worst things ever said to me. Words only hide other words. Everything you say or someone says to you is, or should be, thought out. It's a matter of choosing the right words to give off the correct message from underneath.
By the way, the second best thing someone ever said to me was, "you're the next Mac Miller." ;)
Well, to answer the first part of the question, I honestly don't dwell on the past. If anything is mean or rude is said to me, I just shrug it off. I couldn't care less about the negative things that people say. I'm not offended easily nor do I remember any of the mean comments that have been said to me. I act like they never happen and have been perfectly okay with this mindset. Nothing that has been said to me (that I can recall) has been so hurtful that I have stored it away in my memory and am paranoid about for the rest of my life. I just don't see any point in doing so.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the nicest thing that's been said to me? That's a good question considering I had to take the time to think about it. This is pretty cliche but whenever I bring up my friends grades to my mom, or she hears other parents bragging about their own child's grades, she tells me, "Nick, you could easily be getting the kind of grades that (so and so) is getting." Of course she has to say this, but I know it's true. As everyone knows, my work ethic sucks and I know it does. I'm constantly being told about college "stuff" and how I need to do better. My mom always says this, so it kind of loses its "effect" but still. I'm sure other people have said nicer things that I should be able to recollect but at the time, track practice was terrible today and I'm half awake. So, this is all I have.
George: I wish I had your motivation and dedication for my education. I've been getting yelled at for grades since I was at Hess but I've yet to learn from my mistakes and actually take accountability for my actions. I honestly only enjoy bettering myself in sports. Certainly not a good thing, but it's the truth.
Ted: This is going to be quick and to the point; I couldn't have said/written it better myself.
Bobs: We talked about this in Calculus (about your music). But you already know that I support you. Some people may scoff and tell you you're wasting your time, but I have to disagree. You love rapping, so continue to do it. If anyone tells you to stop or give up well...to put it quite bluntly, they need to shut the hell up. It makes you happy and that's all that matters. I truly believe that since you love rapping and writing music you're going to go far because you have the determination and drive.
ReplyDeleteDan: Your blog was the only one I read that chose the classic route of explaining their kindest compliment as a "physical" compliment. I find that an interesting choice. And the story attached made it especially heart-warming. However, I believe that if I were a boy I would much rather like to be called handsome than 'hot'!
ReplyDeleteAmber: I cannot even explain how much I can identify with the part about your mother. The relationship between me and my mom seems to go the same way. And it's always a lose, lose situation for arguments ..You're either hurt by what she says or you're hurt because she is hurt by something that you said. I too am extremely sensitive, and it doesn't help to have a mother that is quite the opposite.
George: Okay, so at first I felt bad for someone that you humiliated during practice, but now I totally get it. And i'm glad you did. It's motivating that you took the harsh truth in someone's words to better yourself. And i'm pretty happy to know there is someone on the team who is willing to do the same for others. Also, I feel the same way with compliments..They make my head 10x bigger. But the way I see it, compliments give you the means to prove the truth of what they claim.
Pat: I really like how simple your quote was. It makes sense to me, I honestly think the shorter the statement, the more powerful it is. I love how simple and obvious yours is, but how much it means to you. For you to remember something so simple, it had to have meant a great deal to you. I think people tend to forget or brush off the simple, short statements, so thank you for not doing that.
ReplyDeleteDan: I feel like I never talk to you anymore. Regardless, we're here for the blog. I found it interesting, your whole point on the mind forgetting the most horrific things. It makes sense, and it has been said to me, but i just don't see it as possible. But maybe you're right. Maybe the mind does block out things you don't wish to hear or remember hearing. Maybe that's why my quote was so recent for the bad memory.
George: I'm glad you used a swimming reference for your bad memory. You are that guy that yells at the lazy, swimmers now. You step up for the team, and I have been on the other end of your "yelling" (more or less) more than once. However, I don't think it's the yelling that gets me to work harder. I think what makes me work harder is because I look up to you in swimming, always want to be better or equal with you. If anyone else told me to work harder, I would tell them to shove their comments where the sun doesn't shine. In my head of course, I would never say that out loud. But my point is, maybe the words aren't what really got you, but the person saying them; I know that's how it is for me.
During the fledgling portion of our school year, we received an assignment from Bunje that described the effect of tone on our message. This blog reminds me of said assignment, and how the way something is said can cause a greater impact than the actual words used. I tend to brush off the things people say about me, I feel as if most derogatory statements come from a place of jealousy and insecurity that looms within all people. I’ve been called too many things to list in my life, and when I was younger, I was put down constantly. However, the worst thing that’s ever been said was when my mother told me I was going to end up just like my brother. Those weren’t the exact terms, I honestly can’t remember the words used. But I was struck the hardest by the tinge of disappointment in her face and voice, like thirteen years of great expectations were broken at that point. The tone of her voice was much worse than the words spoken.
ReplyDeleteWhile this may have been the worst thing ever said to me, it sparked an inexplicable and irrevocable change in my mindset that would carry through to this day. I realized that my life would not be marked by the same handouts that it previously was. I learned to take responsibility for my own actions, and moreover, my own education. The worst thing anyone has ever said to me turned out to be my most fantastic motivation to succeed.
The best words ever spoken to me came in a much different context. From one of the intellectuals I look up to most. While I usually hate to give value to my scores on standardized tests, while discussing my SAT score with a friend of mine, he said, “Wow, that’s really great!” and although such a comment may come across as contrived to some, I could tell by his voice that it was completely sincere. This comment also came from someone who I’ve looked up to over the past two years, and someone who’s extreme intellectual ability has undoubtedly helped to change me for the better. The impact of his words still resonates in my head, someone who seldom compliments my performance on anything. I continue to push myself harder because of that comment.
The imperative similarity between the two comments is that they both created a profound building block for me. Both comments, negative and positive both motivated me to improve upon my performances as a person. I never take the negative out of a situation, and these reactions with others are prime examples of my ability to learn from experiences, and to motivate myself.
As I’ve said in a past blog, I am a person of contradiction.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot for someone to get me upset or worked up. Usually I get more
upset about things said to other people. Of course, if you’re someone that I’m
really close to, someone whose opinion I trust, someone I love, it takes very
little effort to upset me. That said, most of the most upsetting things that
have been said to me were said to me by those close to me, but they were said
in moments of anger. These things upset me greatly at the time, probably made
me cry, but I don’t think I can count any of these things as the worst thing
ever said to me, because I know the people who said them didn’t mean them in
their heart of hearts. I can’t even remember most of the things that upset me;
mostly I just remember the act of being upset. Going by these standards, I don’t
really have a worst thing someone has said to me. I guess if I have to choose,
there are a few things that still bother me to this day, despite the fact that I
know the person saying it didn’t really mean it.
The worst thing I can remember right now was “You kids suck.
Absolutely suck. I don’t even know why we had children.” I've heard it a few times.
I remember feeling shocked the first time, before the words caught up to me
making my eyes sting and lip tremble. I didn’t cry though, at least not at that
moment. My dad has a thing about me or my sister crying in front of him. So I waited
a suitable amount of time before going up to my room, where I was free to cry
my eyes out-quietly. Obviously it doesn’t feel good to basically be told that
someone wishes you didn’t exist. The thing is that my dad has a hot head, he
gets angry often, sometimes at the drop of a hat, but he can also be the nicest most generous guy you've met. He often says things in anger
that he doesn’t really mean-my mom always says to just let it go, ignore it,
not let it affect you. I find that it’s harder for me to do that when it is
coming from someone I trust or admire, because I respect their opinion and
trust that there is truth to their words more easily than I would trust the
same words from a stranger. It did make me wonder though, for the briefest
moment, why I should even be here if my own dad didn’t want me here.
Like most people, I enjoy compliments, though only when they
ReplyDeleteare genuine. If someone tries to compliment me on something I don’t believe
(for example: someone saying “you look beautiful today!” when you know you look
a mess) I usually brush it off. I appreciate compliments most when they are
either uncommon or used sparingly. Once you start to use the same compliment
everyday, the effect wears off.
I’m going to say that the best thing someone has ever said
to me was:
“I always love talking to you, you make my day.”
This was said to me by a girl I met while visiting my Aunt
in California about five years
ago. I haven’t seen her in years, since my Aunt moved to Boston,
but we still talk through email. I really love when someone says something like
“you made me feel better” or “I love you” in that way that friends do when you’ve
said something especially funny or insightful or supportive. I love the feeling
I get when I make someone happy. It makes me happy to know that I made someone
smile or laugh.
I would say that I picked the thing
I did for the worst thing said to me both because of obvious reasons, and I guess
because it plays on my fear of not being able to accomplish being remembered
for something. Anything really, that would suggest I was put here for a reason
and that I won’t squander my life away with useless past times that have no
meaning.
I already know that I picked the
best thing said to me because of my desire to please people and be a good
person. I don’t really know when or why being qualified as a “good” or “nice”
person became important to me-it just is.
I don’t think that this reveals
anything about my personality that hasn’t been explored in previous blog posts.
In the end, they are just words. Words can be immensely powerful, but I put
stock in that age-old saying that while words speak for us, actions do it
louder. It is the actions and emotions behind the words that make them
meaningful.
Mimi: I hope you know how absolutely wrong that ‘friend’ of
ReplyDeleteyours was. Having hung out with you, I can’t even see where they are coming
from. To me you are funny, sarcastic, supportive, and maybe a little high
strung with certain things. I’ve never heard you put someone down, nor have I ever
thought of you as self-serving. They are obviously crazy. Anyways, I agree with
what you said about forgetting things. For me though, it’s more about letting
them go than forcing myself to forget. I think that holding onto resentment
just feeds needless hate. Unless it is something truly terrible, I think it is
important to keep things in perspective, and ask yourself if what is upsetting
you is really worth getting upset about.
Dom: I completely agree with Amber. I think that is one of
the absolute worst things you can say to someone, and one of the absolutely
uncalled for. Everyone deserves happiness. To say that you don’t…I mean who the
hell was he to think that, let alone say that. He sounds like a real jerk, and
honestly I’d say that severing contact with him was a definite gain-no one
needs to be around someone like that.
Amber: I agree with your point about words being inadequate
to a certain extent. I mean there are some things and feelings that are just…indescribable.
No matter how many words you assign, sometimes things are best left unsaid,
shown through actions or even just known to you. Those things that make perfect
sense in your head are sometimes better left there than to try and put them
into words that doesn’t do the thought justice.
Dan: I found your post adorable. Just remember that beauty
is in the eye of the beholder! It’s why there are heated debates over whether
Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson is hotter. I find compliments on appearance
hard to accept sometimes too, mostly because I don’t usually agree with them,
which makes me think that a person is just being nice, making their compliment
worthless. Also, your post didn’t come off as complaining to me, so I wouldn’t
stress over that.
Bobbycakes: I was also in the conversation in calculus class (instead of paying attention to math...ew.) And we've texted about this conversation a few times too. Anyway, I wanted to say that I do believe that if someone has enough heart and dedication in something, they will go far. So don't give up and don't listen to the people who put you down. Follow your heart and you'll find what you're looking for. (:
ReplyDeleteHad I been presented with this question three weeks ago, my answer would probably be completely different. However, I have realized that the "nicest" thing someone had ever said to me, they didn't truly mean, and therefore it has probably become one of the worst and mentally debilitating statements someone has ever said to me. My point in this is that words do have power, but it is up to the people to distribute that power, and so it is not the words themselves but the emotions behind the words that really wear the pants in this whole relationship. Sure, someone can make another love them through words, but there has to be some preexisting emotion towards whatever is being spoken about to establish that love.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, moving on, it's pretty difficult to think of the absolute worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I've been verbally roughed up too many times to count throughout my life, and it's come to the point where everything kind of just blurs together. There was a particularly bad fight that occurred this past summer though, between my father and I. He had come home in a poor state of mind, which happens quite frequently, and immediately began to take his frustrations out on me (which also happens quite frequently). For well over an hour he berated me with insults and complaints and made sure I knew just how shitty of a person I was. I'm usually pretty strong when things like this happen, but that night I wasn't capable of fending off all of his spearing words, and I collapsed. I went into hysterics, had an anxiety attack, the whole freaking nine yards, which was extremely embarrassing for me. So while I'm literally throwing a fit against my will, my brother comes downstairs and says "Ciara, you're such a fucking bitch." My dad just laughed.
I think it hurt so much because I think so highly of my brother, and I love him, and would do anything in the world for him. When him or my sister get in trouble with my dad, I always step so he'll shift his anger over, because I can't stand the thought of them going through everything I go through. I try so hard to support him and let him know that someone does care for him. I always defend him against my father. But yet, here I was, suffering a mental breakdown, and he joins in with my father. I don't give a shit what my dad says about me, I don't care if he likes me, because I don't respect him as a person. An authoritative figure yes, but as a person, no. I would think that my brother knew better though, that he respected me and I do him, that he would at least show some appreciation for what I do. As always though, I was proven wrong.
There aren't a lot of people I've been super close with in my life-I can count them all on one hand. All of them have walked away from me. (I hate saying things like this because it makes me feel like some generic gloomy depressed teenager, but I'm not looking for pity or anything, I'm just stating facts, and it's nice to let everything air out.) Because of this, I have a really hard time imagining that anyone could ever love, or even like, me for who I truly am because anytime I've ever revealed my true self, the person disappears.Thus I've started to develop the "screw it" mentality, and instead of completely hiding myself within my body, I'll relinquish my thoughts and feelings onto the few people surrounding me, and if they leave, than whatever. Good riddance. Thanks for confirming my expectations.
ReplyDeleteOne of the "few people surrounding me" has been Cole Smith. Now, I know all of you "know" him, but I'm sure not all of you KNOW him. He's awesome. Probably the most awesome person I know. Like, seriously, the greatest. This whole blog is about words, and the power of them, but I cannot think of anything that is powerful enough to convey what an amazing person Cole is. And the best part of it, is that he's just himself. No gimmicks or trap doors, he's just Cole. And that's probably why he is the speaker of the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me:
"Sure, I may not be able to understand you some, most, or all of the time (I'm not sure which), but that doesn't mean I like you any less. Why the hell would I be emailing you in the first place? For shits and giggles? "Oh man, I'm so excited to act like I care about these emails." No. No no no. I love your emails. Also, don't ever be scared to send me complainy emails. If I've stuck through till now, what makes you think I'd up and leave all of a sudden? "
And since I've already revealed a large part of my private life and myself in this blog I might as well inform you that I am bawling my eyes out right now. He said this to me, about a month and a half ago (it feels so much longer than that) and this is probably my hundredth time reading it over, but I am still overwhelmed by so many positive emotions. By him saying "I love your emails", I had never felt so appreciated, and never felt my thoughts to be valued, and that's all I really want in life, is for someone to want to hear what I have to say and enjoy it. To enjoy me. And I don't know if Cole realized it at the time, but he completely spoke against everything I thought people felt towards me. He silenced part of the voice in my head that used to scream "nobody cares". His final sentence was especially reassuring because it offered a new concept, that everyone doesn't walk away.
Considering the yin and yang, I'm the kind of person who places a lot of stock in relationships. I'm not true friends or really close with many people, and so the relationships that I do have, I invest myself into them 100%. You know, my yin had to do with my brother proving to me that just because you care about someone doesn't mean they will care back. I've had a couple more life lessons since then that have confirmed that. I'm not sure of everything I've learned from those lessons, because I still plan on caring and investing myself into people, but I guess I just have to be more cautious. I don't want to ever stop, because I still have hope that there is someone out there who will want to invest themselves in me, which is revealed in my yang. Cole let me know that I can still have hope, and that everybody doesn't suck, and guaranteed that I can be myself no matter what.
To Dan: I have the same relationship that you have with your father with my entire family. My parents don't really have anything in common with me. I don't even have the same eye/hair color! Other than our love for each other (which I guess is good enough to maintain a healthy family), is the only thing I have in common with them. My brother, other than having pretty much the same DNA as me, does not look, act, think, speak, hear, listen, or breathe the same in any way shape or form. My sister is the same way, mostly because I haven't seen her for more than a day per month average for the past five years. I guess as I progress through life without them, they become further and further from me. Don't let that happen with you and your dad. Spend some time with him and talk to him, rather than getting 9/8 of your time with him at the dinner table. It really sucks to have a family member drift away from you. I would know.
ReplyDelete“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” WRONG. Words DO hurt. I’m not sure how anyone can deny this. I’ve had hurtful things said to me. But I really can’t think of the absolute worst thing someone has said to me. Maybe I can’t recall the harshest statement that has been said to me because I’m simply not antagonistic towards others. Unfortunately, some situations are unavoidable and people try to bring you down for no reason at all. I’ve either forgotten or I’m in the process of trying to forget some of the words that people have said to me. There’s no use on dwelling on that negativity. People have picked on me and made fun of me quite a few times in my childhood days. I’ve cried in front of my parents because of it. I never did anything about it though. Eventually, they stopped, and I’ve moved on. There are always ups and downs in everything and you have to stick with it, even through rough patches.
ReplyDeleteOn to a lighter, happier note, I have had many good things that have been said to me. And I do remember something that someone has said to me that I’ll probably never forget. But I won’t get to that just yet. I do enjoy the simple little compliments I get because it can really make my day. They remind me even on my worst days, that I’m doing something right. However, compliments probably do feed my ego. But it’s quite alright, because it only builds up my confidence, and not cockiness. Ok back to the best thing someone has said to me.
“Amanda, you’re always smiling.”
This was said to me by a friend my freshmen year and it’s something that has been replaying in my head ever since. The person who said this can be pessimistic at times, but she’s actually one of my really good friends. When she said it, it wasn’t even meant as a compliment. In fact, she said it she said it in a sort of a cynical tone. She probably could have said, “Why the hell are you smiling all the time?” I would have still taken it as a compliment! I found nothing wrong with what she said to me and I’m glad she said it. There’s nothing wrong with smiling as much as you possibly can. I remember in Mr. Sera’s class last year when he said something along the lines of, “when you smile at a person, chances are they’ll smile back.” So yeah, my friend was right and will hopefully always be right. I’ll just keep smiling because it brings laughter and happiness not only into my life, but others as well.
James: I’m curious whether you changed after Mr. Sera’s comment. I mean, if you didn’t that’s all fine and dandy, but if you did then fantastic. As I said in my blog (it’s great. You should check it out) those certain phrases, possibly hurtful or debasing, are great opportunities for change. But uplifting comments like that are always great. They’re inspiring, and sometimes motivational, encouraging you to reach for whatever standard that person already holds you to.
ReplyDeleteMike: Sounds like you’re already planning on fixing your parent’s mistakes. It’s something everyone should think about. Anyways, that sounds like an awfully huge commitment, never missing a child’s baseball game or performance. I suppose that supporting them, letting them know that nearly nothing they do is worthless, is good in itself, without a that burden of commitment. But hey, I can’t tell you not to be an awesome parent.
George: This is kind of a response to a few people, but yours is probably the best example. How terrible can some words be if they change us for the better? I mean, they can sure as hell bite, and even leave a scar, but scars leave tough skin, while also teaching us in a way how to keep from getting those same scars again. Extremely critical things that can’t be corrected, or threats, too, probably don’t fall under that category, but critical things like that can change us for the better, if we work hard and let them.
Bobby: Your yang was definitely heartwarming, and I'm so glad that you could experience someone saying that to you. I think everyone really needs someone to tell them "hey, I believe in you. You rock" or something along those lines. Anything to make people feel that they can accomplish their goals. Also, I really am extremely proud of you for your development in swimming, and how you stick with what makes you happy. I believe in you Bobby, and you rock.
ReplyDeleteAshley: Totally feel you on the genuine thing. My ex boyfriend used to get so mad at me when I asked him if he meant what he said, but people really don't mean what they say a thought of the time, and it's just nice to be reassured anyway. I really hate when things are said without meaning or feeling, and I just don't understand why or how anyone says things they don't mean.
Olivia and Cole: (Of course I'm going to comment on yours). Nothing could make me happier than having you guys cite me. Seriously, nothing. Okay, maybe unless a puppy came running into the room and... NOPE just kidding, not even puppies can make me happier than you guys. You bot have impacted me in so many ways, and I'm glad to have reciprocated that in some way.
I, like most every other person on the planet, have heard some rather horrible things in my short seventeen years. None of them have ever really phased me because I figure whoever does insult me must be rather pathetic to go out of their way to try and make me feel bad about myself, even if they are provoked. But, there have been several occasions in which someone that normally would never do anything to hurt me has crushed my spirits more than I can muster words to describe. The worst, I suppose, of those few instances happened just recently where I was shoved onto a deserted road that spirals into complete nothingness, alone and broken without the slightest glimmer of hope. Without hesitation in his voice, he viciously and unreasonably told me:
ReplyDelete“I can’t even stand the sight of you anymore. I don’t want to be around you, I don’t want to talk to you. Goodbye.”
The one person in the world who ever swore to me that he was different, that he’d never hurt me, ended up wounding me deeper than I’ve ever been wounded. I don’t know if it hurt so bad because I trusted that he’d never let me down, or because he’s the first person I’ve truly ever loved. Either way, his saying that has had me breaking down in tears every time I think about it, every time I’m reminded that he doesn’t want me anymore. The lack of explanation behind this, the shortness of his words, has forced me to lose my faith in everything, basically, at the moment. I may be being dramatic about this, it may not be a big deal to anyone but me, but I’m so utterly shaken by his words, I feel so desolate and empty.
Conversely, I’ve had things said to me for no reason at all that have made my day and cheered me up even when I’m not a depressed emotional wreck. No, not silly little things like: “You look pretty,” or “I love your eyes!” or something shallow and generic like that. I like hearing the simpler, more personal compliments such as: “You’re too good to let that bring you down,” or “Don’t doubt yourself, you’re an incredible person.” Hearing these always gets me all flustered and embarrassed, but in a good way. The best one, however, was:
“You deserve all the happiness in the world, Bec. You’re like my wife, you always try to make people happy and someday, you’ll be appreciated for that. Just keep your chin up and stay strong now, because it’ll get better soon. You’re a good person.”
I was having a particularly horrible day (stress was eating away at me to the point where I called my mom in the middle of school to pick me up because I didn’t feel like I could carry on) and I hurried down the hallway on my way to lunch, eyes fixated on the ground as I tried not to let tears run down my cheeks. Mr. Sera always checks IDs before sixth period lunch and as I was flashing him my ID, he said to me, “Well, you don’t look very happy.” That’s when I lost it. I started hyperventilating and choking on my tears as I told him everything that was wrong, how unappreciated and victimized I felt, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Then, once he said that, I sniffled a little, smiled, and quickly shuffled away as I thanked him. I didn’t know it before, but that was exactly what I needed to hear, just the promise that things were going to get better and knowing that there was someone who hadn’t lost their faith in me.
In all, words sting and words can sooth, words can would and words can heal. It all depends on how one uses them, but it’s quite obvious that they have the potential to do just about anything. Words are like power: with great words, comes great responsibility. They can be used for great good or great evil in the right (or wrong!) hands.
Kendall: I cannot imagine how I would feel if any one of my parents had said that to me. I appreciate that you have decided to look past all of that ignorance. Especially, since you’re probably around it most of the time. It’s great that you haven’t let those words get to you. Just focus on the positive.
ReplyDeleteJanel: I truly believe you have one of the most loving and caring families ever. The story about your grandfather really touched me. The impact you have on him is irreplaceable. I’m glad you’re so motivated in helping others. What your teacher said is complete BS. I know you’re going to be a positive influence on the world.
Rachel: I love that you were able to turn that insult into a compliment. Normal is boring! Never forget that. I agree that actions speak much louder than words. Some things just can’t be written down on a piece of paper or said out loud. There are just too many emotions and feelings.
Schuyler: Your writing reflects your personality so well. I always feel like you're creating introspection in others by thinking about yourself because you ask so many rhetorical questions.
ReplyDeleteGeneral: I feel that a great trait in a person is to find the best in everything, even in insults.
Bobby: Controlling parents suck. That's obviously been a point of discussion a lot of times in our class. It seems like comments and remarks from parents carry a high toll because of the emotion and connection behind them.
To Ciara: Your blog made my throat close up. Seriously. I never would have guessed; you carry yourself as if nothing is wrong in your life. Although I don't know you all that well, I admire your strength to keep your head up and your courage to stand up for your brother against your father. I probably wouldn't do the same for my siblings. Well, I would, but only in my head. Thank you so much for your blog, it did not fall on blind eyes.
ReplyDeleteMy Nanie (pronounced like Nanny) is one of the most important people in my life. She’s my dad’s mother, and she refers to me as “her number-one grandson,” because I’m the oldest out of myself, my brother, and our three cousins. I like to think she says it because I’m objectively superior to them. Anyway, for the past few summers, I’ve attended a summer camp at Princeton University, which is a habit which my mother is convinced will help me immensely in the college application process. I don’t know about that, but it’s definitely fun and educational (funducational!) and it gets better every year. A few years ago, during one of my first years with the camp, Nanie called me from my home. She visits from her home in Florida during the summer, and we’re always glad to have her. We converse for a while, and she says something I wasn’t expecting:
ReplyDelete“You know who would be really proud of you right now, don’t you?”
As soon as she started that sentence, I knew how it would end. I smiled, and asked, “Who?”
“Your father.”
I’ll always remember that. No matter how indecent my father acted in his time alive, his pride over his kin never wavered. To me, that was one of his most memorable qualities. This may or may not be a proper time to mention that I hold no belief in the afterlife, but I just wanted to throw that out there.
Now, back to the worst thing … The only memory that comes to mind occurred during my freshman year. Have you ever been talking to someone and gotten REALLY wrapped up in what you were saying, so much so that you didn’t notice when they turned away for a few seconds, leaving you to essentially talk, out loud, to yourself for those few seconds? Yeah, that happened to me a lot. Most of the time, it went unnoticed, and resulted in nothing more than an “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” This particular incident occurred in gym class. You can probably tell this isn’t going to end well.
I like to ramble. I was rambling quite a bit to a random girl to whom I had previously engaged in conversation, when her friend tapped her on the shoulder. I would have stopped, but I was on a roll. Keep in mind; this occurred in gym class, freshman year, toward the end of the period, when everyone was sitting side by side on the bleachers, ready to go home. Out of nowhere, a random boy (remember, gym classes are separated by last names, not GPA. There’s a slight chance the words subtlety, empathy, and minding your own business did not happen to be in this young man’s lexicon) shouts:
“Nick, who are you TALKING to?”
I immediately pointed out the girl making up the nonexistent second half of my monologue, and – lo and behold – she was deeply engaged in conversation with the aforementioned other girl. Damn. Needless to say, I immediately and nonchalantly exited the room, gathered my things, went down to the office, called my mother, and cried. I sat on my stupid ass and cried like the pusillanimous baby that I was. This demi-breakdown was not a direct result of the boy’s words and the class’s mocking looks, nay, it was the result of years of pent-up anger that had compiled to form an invisible tumor in the belly of a young man who wanted nothing more in life than to know, to love, and to be loved. A young man who didn’t deserve to be mocked openly, and believed that no one deserved such embarrassment: this is the person who stands before the world with open arms, and is a prime candidate for severe disappointment. I always thought I would beat the crap out of someone to let loose the hatred that was weighing me down. Nope. I cried, and felt no better or worse after it. It was in that moment, that short period of absolute despondence, that I realized my innate cynicism for what it truly was. Words can be used surprisingly effectively on people with low self-esteem. Verbal bullying is like lobbing a grenade; you just have to have a strong throwing arm and a general knowledge of where to aim, and you can destroy someone. That’s what words mean to me. And it only took 741 words to say it.
Over the years i have had people tell me some terrible things. Trust me it is a very long list. However i try not to think about it because let's be honest, who wants to think about all the horrible things they have been told? Sometimes i may even pretend as if i didn't even hear what the person told me. But one thing that i could never forget, was when my father told me his honest opinion of what he thinks would happen in my future.
ReplyDeleteWe were sitting in my parents bedroom and began talking about what college i might want to go to and what i want to do with my life. I finally had the nerve to tell them that i wanted to go away for college and that i want to be a physical therapist. They didn't seem to approve. Apparently being a phyical therapist is not okay because then i wouldn't be a "real" doctor. And going away for college? God forbid that i would want to be independent and grow up! His reply was, and I think his exact words were, : " You are really dumb, i honestly don't think that you will amount to anything in life. I wouldn't be surprised if you failed at whatever you do." It didn't end there. When i looked at my mom for help, she did nothing but nod in agreement with what he said. I always looked at my parents for support when i thought i couldn't succeed. I really respected their opinions. So when those words exited his mouth, I automatically believed that they were true. I never expected my dad to say something like that because we had a unique relationship. We respected each other and he was always there to encourage me when i needed it (or so i thought). But that day i realized that my dad was only supportive and nice to me because he wanted something from me. My obiendence. He wanted me to stay home for my entire life and do everything exactly how he wanted, and that was his version of success.
Ten minutes after that had happened, i locked myself in my room to be alone. I failed. I completely forgot that i share a room with my sister. She was the last person that i wanted see at that moment. I resented her because she set the bar so high in my family. My sister and I were always being compared to her and could never quite do as well. But When she saw my face she knew something was wrong and she annoyed me to the point where i blew up on her and told her everything. After i explained everything to her, she told me the best compliment i had ever heard. She didn't even have to think about what to say and the first words that came out of her mouth were " You are brilliant and amazing and i am postive that you will be great at whatever you choose to do in life. Don't listen to them or anyone else and you will do great. " And the other opinions didn't matter anymore. This compliment wasn't important to me because my sister called me smart but because i found someone that sincerely believed in me. I guess everything really does happen for a reason. That day i realized that my sister was always there for me and i just never noticed it. She's always been my rock, i just had to see it. I also realized that i could do whatever i wanted and it just didn't matter what anyone else had to say.
I think these two moments say a lot about my personality, i used to be a people pleaser and that changed. Also Throughout my life i have been in this never ending search of approval from the people i love. These two events proved to me that i didn't have to impress my parents or anyone else around me as long as i was happy with myself. I just wanted an approved look for once from ANYONE, but that day taught me that i don't need it.
My original was much longer; damn you, character limits!
ReplyDeleteEmily: Hold on to those notes. You never know when the advice of friends long gone could help the most.
James: Out of all the people to put one in one's place, Mr. Sera ought to be the one to do it. Better to get a "dose of reality" from him than from some random hooligan. And from the yes/no game, no less!
Becca: Every guy is the same on the inside. Even I happen to be an extremely shallow and hypocritical person, which is one out of many reasons why I refuse to attempt to be in a relationship in the first place. This goes for everybody: don't let other people's beliefs affect your attitude. That happened to me too many times.
I'd like to mention that I hate this blog because it made me realize that bad shit happens to even the best people. You guys are ALL good people. You guys don't deserve to have someone you love say something so horrible and debilitating that you cry and think of yourself as not good enough or not smart enough or not normal enough. I sincerely believe that YOU GUYS (that's right. YOU GUYS.) are the greatest friends that anybody can ever have. You guys are special in your own and magnificent way and I love it. I'm sorry for rambling several times in this particular blog, but I felt that this had to be said explicitly without any figurative language or metaphor.
ReplyDeleteCiara: You are so cute, I can hear you saying every little word I read, you have such a strong voice. But I don't know how the few people that know the real you couldn't love it. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is much uglier underneath. But the you I know is just so flipping awesome, even if you did have some deep, dark, insecure side to you, your awesomeness is so extremely high that it would cancel any bad side out.
ReplyDeleteDominique: Yes, you do deserve to be happy. I don't care what he or anyone else in the world says. You, me, everyone deserves happiness. Unless you're like a serial killer or something in which case you kinda blew your chances at happiness, but you're not so you do deserve all the happiness in the world. You're smart, confident, beautiful person, don't let them h@t3rz get you down. ♥
Amanda: I remember when Mr. Sera said that, and it's all too true. Giving off a positive energy is contagious, people tend to catch it and spread it around like a disease. But a good disease. I have noticed that you do smile a lot (even though I don't know you all too well), and I like that you keep yourself positive even when the world gives you a million and three reasons not to be. :)
Bobby: I know what you're going through with your parents. It sucks when they don't take you seriously or believe in you at all. I have the same problem with my mom and dad. It's okay though, do what you want. It great to have dreams, don't let anyone crush them.
ReplyDeleteEmily: That's terrible! I can't possibly imagine how you would feel after hearing something like that at such a young age. I honestly don't understand why parents say things like that. Do they not realize it has a effect on us?
Nyamekye: That is the silliest thing i have ever heard. You may be sarcastic and a little fiesty a times, (I think that's why we get along so well.) But you are not inconsiderate or a bitch. I love your personality and don't ever think that.
Words, boy do i hate words, but without them, my life would be kind of weird, a little primitive, that's for sure. They can mean so much, they can help explain your love for someone, they can impress the world, they can win a presidential election, all things that you can't do without words!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I had to really go into the archives of my brain to find the meanest thing someone has ever said to me, I have one specific thing and one more general thing, yeah you'll see...
So the more specific thing happened a little less than two months ago, when this female in my life who happens to have the initials, SB, told me i was an asshole/douchebag(having a hard time remembering exactly) and that i have no respect for women. This was a little rough to take because my entire life, my mom has raised me to be respectful to women, because my dad left her on bad terms, and she never wanted me to treat women like my dad has. What I did was just stupid high school drama with "oooh you flirted with this girl while you were talking to me" you guys know the stupid high school drama, something i don't really think deserved that comment, but i got it, and believe me i won't treat somebody that way again.
The more general thing that has actually changed my life for the better is how often i got called conceited and self-centered in middle school, more commonly by girls. It happened dozens of times in middle school, and i think unlike the other "mean thing" I've actually learned and bettered myself from all those comments. Although i may still be a little self-centered, i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be!
The nicest thing someone has ever said to me off the top of my head is really hard to think of, but i have this reoccurring comment that makes me feel amazing every time i hear it, "we are so proud of you garret." I always hear this from various members of my family, and although i don't hear it often, when i do hear it, it feels like nothing else, that the people i look up to, are proud of ME!
As bad as this may make me sound, i think it shows how much i care about stupid teenage relationships, like really why do i care that much? I shouldn't! On the other hand though, i think it really shows how important my family is to me, and that what they think really means a lot to me. I love them more than anything, and i want nothing more than for them to be proud of me!
THE YIN: “Chelsi, I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
ReplyDeleteThis simple phrase smacked me across the face as I starred into the red puffy eyes of my mother. She had just finished crying. I being the emotionless daughter I am, I turned away from my mom and left the room trying to hide the fact that I was going to cry. Words can hurt. Disappointing my mother at the moment, I was thinking about the ways I was beginning to change. Do I even know who I am anymore? One of my worst fears is losing myself, and becoming someone I’m not. Am I truly changing? Or is my mother delusional? I hate feeling unsure when it comes to myself. I hate feeling lost. And even worse, I hate proving people right especially if they are making negative comments about me. I want to prove to my mom that I’m still the same “Chelsi” she’s always known, I’m just growing up, making my own decisions. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me, but me. This comment hit me so hard because at the time I guess I believed it. I believed that I had lost myself and was acting in a manner that was unusual and I didn’t have a solution. My mom said this to me a few weeks ago and it still sticks out in my head as one of the worst things anybody has ever said to me. I usually do not let unnecessary insults and rude comments bother me, but this stuck with me. To be honest, I’m still questioning myself right now.
THE YANG: “You’re amazing from top to bottom. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me because you’re special babe.”
Nobody truly sees me as the lovey dovey type, but I find myself acting more and more like a helpless romantic these days. (It’s just our little secret Bunj!J) This compliment can make me smile for days. I remember when the love of my life said this to me and my eyes began to water and the happiness was pouring out through the excitement in my eyes and grin. It really touched my heart. I love the feeling of being needed and being appreciated, and that’s what the love of my life does for me. I love feeling like I’m bettering someone else’s life in any way. If I have the ability to make someone happy then I feel like I’m on top of the world, no feeling is as fulfilling. I would rather focus on the happiness of others than myself. Helping others makes me happy. The love of my life probably knows me better than anyone and if all I have to do is be myself to make them feel this way about me, then I must be doing a good job. Hopefully I can keep them feeling this way and we can remain happy with each other. I think this is the best compliment because it made me feel like all my efforts were worth it, all my love is worth it, and all my energy that I put into creating a stable relationship is worth it. Nothing is more rewarding than satisfaction that I make myself.
The two comments show that I care a great deal about what others think of me and how my actions affect others, and I do care. I’m constantly thinking about how the things I do may affect others. I probably think about everyone else more than I think about myself! I only think this way for one reason: If I put my all into making someone else happy, I will be happy. Happiness and smiles are contagious and I will continue to spread all the joy I can.
ReplyDeleteKENDALL: Okay, so your post made me tear up! I find it incredible that you can share that story about your dad and of course being close with you, I knew about the whole situation before but I never realized the extremity of it. I love your attitude and your tolerance to ignorance, you truly are a strong girl and I admire that. And your compliments made me laugh because you are so soft when it comes to nice things people say to you!
RACHEL: I agree completely when you said actions speak louder than words, because they do. We definitely rely on the power of words heavily, and if we didn’t we might be better off! I love the fact that being unique or different to you is now considered a compliment. And whoever said that you are more than meets the eye; they were wise because I can tell that just by talking to you in a short conversation. You strike me as mysterious and I like it.
GEORGE: I like that you can admit that you are a sucker for compliments because so I am! The best compliments are indeed the ones that are exaggerated and overdone! I just wanted to say it shouldn’t make you a jerk for feeling this way. Maybe we’re both jerks! But I think its normal to feel that way about overdone compliments and I enjoyed your post.
Bobby- You keep being you, i don't know about everybody else, but i make fun of you 25/8. Even though i know sometimes i don't support you the most in what you do, i love ya big guy, and i love your dad, and as tough as he is on you, it's made you who you are today, and i couldn't ask for a better friend in my life.
ReplyDeleteJames- I really loved your Matt Schenker baseball thing, because I really wish that someone would've said that to me, as stupid and seemingly meaningless it was, it really did stick with you and it really does serve as motivation. Oh, and with that bat, who knows where you'll be in a few years!
Connie- It's so cute how the thing you remember as the nicest thing ever was such a simple little assignment by our own Emily Ding! It really shows your personality i think how something so seemingly simple really affected you!