As a kid, I moved around A LOT. It wasn't until I was 15 and a sophomore in high school that I was ever in the same school for more than a year. Because of this--well, because of many things but this is just easier to point a finger at--I have never been able to go back to a place where I lived and say, "This was my home--I belonged here." Because of this, I posit that feeling as though we belong somewherehas a tremendous impact on who we are and who we may one day become.
The need to belong is embedded in most people's genetic make-up. Abraham Maslow, a renowned psychologist who conceptualized what is now known as an individual's "Hierarchy of Needs,” reasoned that the need to belong is third on the pyramid to a fulfilling life (the first two are pretty basic--physiological and safety needs), and without that feeling, we simply cannot advance, grow or ever fully become the people we are destined to be.
So--what do you think? Do you, at the young and impressionable age of 16 or 17, feel the inherent need to belong? I bold that because feeling the need and feeling that you actually DO belong are sometimes two very different things. The most popular people you can imagine, the ones who are in every club, do every sport, go to every party--do you think THEY feel as though they belong?
If you feel like you do belong somewhere--where is it? What makes you feel that way? What does that sense of belonging do for you and your self-esteem?
If you don't feel as though you belong somewhere--why not? What do you feel is missing? Are you misunderstood, undervalued, overlooked? What does NOT feeling like you belong do for you and your self-esteem?
A lot to ponder over--trust me, I know. Give it some thought and tell me about it.
Feeling the need to belong, in my opinion, is something that everyone does go through in life, but not at the same time. At 16 I don’t think that I feel the need to belong as strongly as I did when I was, let’s say in Hess or Davies. By this point, I have established who my friends are and who my friends aren’t. Don’t get me wrong I am open to making new friends however I don’t feel like I have to present myself differently in front of different groups of people in order to “belong”. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that I strive to make myself happy and not other people; I care a little about what others think just not as much as what I think! Not every person is going to be friends with every other person and I’m fine with that. So, do I strive to belong? Not particularly. Do I belong? Well everyone does. In our own little worlds we belong somewhere. I might not belong with top cheerleaders, but I do belong in my group of friends/ important family members. In saying that, if I were to move around a lot, as many have, I would want to make new friends, but I would still be me and I would still know that I have my family and my second family back here. Wherever my family is, is my home and that is where I believe I belong.
ReplyDeleteOn to the popular people! My opinion on this is that if you are happy: you belong. If being in 600 clubs and community band and you work at the coolest place in town and you have a million friends on Facebook and you’re happy, than you belong. Some people are happy living in their bedrooms listening to music and ignoring the world and others are happy getting 1 hour of sleep per night because they do so much. Either way if you’re in a place that you like and are happy with, no one can tell you otherwise. I personally belong right where I’m at. I have my best friends, you know who you are, and my family nearby. My home isn’t the most glamorous and my friends aren’t rich, however to me it makes sense. I am happy taking care of my grandfather and going to the movies whenever possible with my homies and right here is where I belong.
If you surround yourself with the people you love than your lives puzzle is complete. I would have to say that I am luckier than most people, because I do belong. Life can be frustrating and people will either like you or not like you. That’s a fact of today’s living. Same thing goes for your family: they will love you or they won’t. This is where I am lucky. I have a great family and amazing friends. No matter where I live or what I am doing with my life, I have my home with the people I love, and I know no matter what happens I am welcome home with a hug, a kiss, and a big cup of coffee. For this I couldn’t be happier. I belong!
I think it would be hard for anyone to say they didn’t feel the need to belong, but I think it’s one of those things where the intensity you feel it at depends on day to day circumstances (at least for me it does.)We’re all individuals, or so we’ve been told, we like to think that we’re unique and that the world wouldn’t be the same were we not here; that had your parents waited a year, the world would have never known someone who was exactly like you. However at the same time we do crave to belong, which makes it a contradiction (then again, there are few things in life that don’t seem to be or have contradictions.) We can’t be completely different from everyone and feel like we belong somewhere or with some people. To belong implies a similar quality between you and a group of people or a place. I’m a teenager-I’m going to have to say that of course I feel as though I don’t belong. The whole “no one understands me, woe is me” seems to be a common theme with a lot of teens. Don’t get me wrong, I love my best friends, and I do have 1 or 2 who I really do think just completely get me. However that doesn’t mean I share every aspect of myself with them. There’s some stuff that I’ll probably always keep to myself, which probably contributes to the whole issue of belonging.
ReplyDeleteI think every person goes through a phase of feeling as though they don’t belong, whether for a couple months, a couple years, or if it’s that constant little nagging thought in the back of your head that never really seems to go away even if it gets quieter and quieter over time.
While there are times I feel as though I don’t belong, there are also times where I feel like there’s no better place or people I could be at or with. Usually I get a strong sense of belonging if I’m hanging with my best friends (anywhere) or my family (in Florida). Being born in Florida I’ve grown up feeling like I belong there more than here, though as I said, if I’m with my best friends it doesn’t really matter where I am. I wouldn’t exactly say it does anything to my self esteem, more like it just makes me feel...I guess content would be the best word.
While experiencing the typical teen angst of feeling completely alone and misunderstood, well not feeling like you belong can be pretty depressing. For me it’s sort of like how some days you just feel good, and others you just feel like crap for no apparent reason. My sense of belonging flips back and forth, spending most of the time somewhere in the middle of complete belonging and complete isolation.
If we were so inclined, we could always feel that sense of belonging simply by placing ourselves among everyone else who feels that they don’t.
Janel: Wow. I really admire how little you let other people’s opinions of you affect you. I’m definitely guilty of caring too much about what other people think (or at least certain people.) I like what you said about everyone belonging in their own world—I think that’s true and well said. I liked reading your post (as always.)
Every morning before school, a handful over 1,500 oakcrest students dress themselves. Not only do we clothe our bodies, we cloak ourselves with insincerity. We shade our personalities with the face of who we would like to be, with the people we’d like to fit in with. The obligation to belong somewhere is an incessant pest which eats at us every day; it gradually picks us apart. However, the feeling of belonging is a necessity for a blissful existence. We as humans are hardwired to belong somewhere, therefore the sham that is our very existence can be justified by one simple phrase: happiness.
ReplyDeleteWe all feel the need to belong. Whether you find that your purpose lays with your family, with your friends, at school, or in your job, be content with it. The most crucial variable in your happiness is your feeling of belonging. Those who make the most of their conditions are those who truly feel a sense of belonging. However, those who are members of every club, play every sport, and go to every party may in fact be the most disconnected with a sense of true belonging. They cling to every piece of belonging that they can get their hands on. They fight for the feeling, and while they may feel happy where they’re at, they’re true niche is not being fulfilled. However, I am not attempting to create a generality. This is not true for many people who live in this particular situation. It is true for me.
I don’t know where I belong. I don’t feel like a cultural anomaly of any sort. I have a group of friends whom I am very fond of. I have a wonderful mother and a decent life at home. However, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that this is not where I should be in life. I have a grasp on a feeling of belonging, and maybe I’ve had glimpses of it, however, I do not feel like this is my niche. I can tell you on the other hand, that I am indeed happy with my situation in life. I am left with a disparity of feelings between happiness and belonging. Hopefully as my evolution progresses, I will be able to close the gap and find out where I belong in life.
Many people’s sense of belonging is simply a manufacture of their own mind. Because we feel the need to belong, we construct circumstances in which we do. I envy those who accept this fact, and charge headlong into life with no regard for the need to belong. I wish I were one of those people. However, I feel as if reaching the feeling of true belonging is not something I can achieve in the near future. Moreover, being happy is a more fulfilling sentiment in my life. As long as the love that comes with life, and the happiness I find in it continue to course through me, I can take solace in the words of Desiderata, “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”
I am certain that every single one of my peers, including myself, has some degree of aspiration to fit in, be a part of something, or to feel whole. People who deny that may be shielding a doubly weak source of confidence. Others may have simply grown used to the lonely journey. In High School especially, it’s difficult to spend each day without someone to trust, someone to talk to, and someone of good company. They say that loneliness is a universal condition, and throughout my life I have found this to be very true.
ReplyDeleteSome people’s timidity baffles me, however. I see the same groups every day, the members of which posses such a longing to be associated with others that they will result to surrounding themselves with every person that comes their way just to resist loneliness. It’s as if their own presence is too depressing for one room that it must be shrouded by the fake laughter of a fake crowd instead. And these people aren’t just your conventional social-butterfly type, they exist in all forms; the party goers, varsity lacrosse players, your next-door-neighbor!
Somebody once told me that in a person’s lifetime they will be lucky to have met two people that in the end could be dubbed true friends. And these are not the faceless creatures that walk in and out of your life as long as you have something to offer. These true friends stick on your skin and find a way into your heart, all the while being trustworthy and loyal, keeping promises, and sharing their umbrella in the rain.
My home is a place I associate with belonging. I’ve grown used to this sense of residence, and I feel it, even miss it, when I’ve been gone for a little while. Contrary to your childhood [Ms. Bunje], I’ve been in the same place all of my life and have been watching the same trees turn the same colors every fall outside of the same bedroom window. If there was ever a place that I thought symbolized a feeling of wholeness and belonging for myself, it would be there. I like to think that although I don’t always feel comfortable in every environment, I know how to adapt. And although I often feel like I have an obligation to be out with friends, or making them, or making a mark socially, I take my alone time as a period to refuel, and redirect my creative energy into something useful.
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ReplyDeleteMaybe there is something wrong with me, but I don’t have an inherent need to belong whatsoever. I have to opposite, I have the need to get away from all things “home-like”. Where am I currently, has been the only place I’ve ever been. I have lived in the same house forever, and I have gone to school with the same people forever. Quite honestly, I’ve grown sick of it. Really, I am sick of belonging to my family and living in this area for my entire life. I definitely can call this place home, but I don’t have a need to, I don’t want a home. Being stuck in one place, is quite frankly, not how I want to be living. However, I do feel a need to belong with people. Everyone has a need to fit in with other people. That’s never really been the issue for me though. I never have a problem meeting new people, as a matter of fact, I’ve found it to be one of the most enjoyable things to do. I love people! But who says belonging has to be in one place, or with one group of people? Meeting new people is, for the lack of a better word, awesome. Being with the same people for your entire life, well, that is a nightmare, at least in my perspective. I have a need to belong somewhere, I just don’t want to be there for very long.
ReplyDeleteWith popular people, who knows if they have a feeling of belonging? They could be really happy with where they are at, or maybe they really don’t feel like they belong in their surrounding. They could just be acting as if they fit in, for self comfort. Chances are though, if you get around a lot, your most likely enjoying yourself and your surroundings. Hell, if you feel that you are popular around Oakcrest and Mays Landing, and you want to “belong” here forever, be my guest. I on the other hand, do not belong here. As I said earlier, I don’t want to permanently belong anywhere. I want to be that guy who is always on the move, and never fully settled. If you were to really analyze my life, it would be easy to understand why I feel this way. I have never gotten to move around like most other kids, I’ve been stuck here for my entire life. Adventure and change are the things I am truly missing in life. I’m not misunderstood or undervalued or overlooked, I’m just bored with the people and places I’m surrounded with. The feeling I have must be similar to a criminal who is spending a life sentence in jail. The result, is a slow eroding of my personality. People may poke fun at me for seeming bored and uninterested, but when you lived in the same place with the same people forever, what else would you expect? Not feeling like I belong here however, has done one thing for me. It has given me some serious motivation to leave. In addition, it has given me the motivation to never stay in one place like I have growing up. Fortunately for me, my freedom will eventually come.
When I was in middle school, I was socially awkward. I wasn’t good at making friends (and I’m still not so great now) and I didn’t interact much with the ones I did have. But I don’t know if I really felt the need to belong. I don’t think I was all that interested in being friends with everyone. I had friends though, nonetheless. And they were good friends. But in 8th grade I just decided to recluse it up and keep my social interaction to a minimum. This was accomplished solely by my obsession with a Rubik’s Cube. And it’s what I played with, all the time. And I don’t remember feeling the need to belong at all.
ReplyDeleteFreshman year of high school comes along, and I become more social. Band helps. Being in classes with close friends helps. And I start to belong. I guess I didn’t know what I was missing out on. So now that I had a nice close group of friends, and was well liked by everyone in band, I belonged. And it felt good. And it still feels good. At the moment, I don’t feel the need to belong because I already do, in some ways. And it’s not because I’m popular or spread myself thin over all of the clubs and sports ever, but because I have a really great (yet small) group of friends who I can be myself around.
Now, whether or not the more popular people feel like they belong, I can’t say. Maybe they feel like they belong because they’re surrounded by people who want to hang out with them, or maybe they don’t feel like they belong because they’re only surrounded by people because they’re popular. It’s not something I’m familiar with.
I’ve never seen where I belong as a place, but just with certain people. Once again, I’ll say that I have a nice, close-knit circle of friends who I enjoy hanging out with. And no matter the setting, I don’t feel left out. When I say something, people pay attention. When I everyone else goes to do something, I’m invited. I feel important, which might come off as vain, but I don’t care. It’s made me feel pretty damn good about myself.
In elementary school and up until 6th grade, I was very shy and didn’t have many friends. 7th grade was when I started breaking out of my shell socially. I made many new friends, but it took me a while to figured out where I really fit in. I had two groups of friends that I hung out with. I felt more comfortable with one, then the other. Of course I wanted to belong in both, but I was forcing myself to hang out with people I didn’t feel comfortable around and where I couldn’t be myself. So now that I’m older (but still a young 15 years old) I have a small great group of friends that I’m very comfortable with and everything comes naturally. I don’t feel much of that strong sense to belong as I did when I was younger. I’ve learned a lot from that experience.
ReplyDeleteWith the popular people, at first thought, I would think they do belong because they hang out with so many different people are very much involved in everything. But who knows? Maybe they don’t know where they belong yet. They may be finding themselves in the process, bouncing from group to group, party to party, sport to sport. Some people have the ability to just get along with just about everyone. The question is, where do you think you fit in the most? If you say with everyone, then you may just be well rounded like that. If you don’t feel you belong, don’t worry. It can take some time.
I’ve moved only once in my life. I moved from New York City to New Jersey when I was 7 years old. In a way, I still feel like I belong in New York. My whole family is pretty much there. Every single long weekend or summer break, my dad and I go explore NYC. There are so many new things to do and places to explore every single time. I never get sick of it. To quote the famous Jay Z song, “In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do.” It makes me so happy every single time, my dad and I go see a new Broadway play, or even visit the ghetto-ness of the Bronx just to see a small museum on a college campus. As for New Jersey, don’t get me wrong, I love all of my friends here, and I hate to say it, but it’s the same old crap every single time. I love New York, and the adventure that comes with it. I hope this didn’t seem too far off topic, but without a doubt, I belong there. But some people are completely different and that’s totally fine. They like to live a simple, slower paced life.
But in all honesty, I’m fine with the way things are now. My family and friends keep me grounded and I can say I do belong. However, there are just some things I would like to keep to myself and I don’t even tell my best friend or closest cousin. There are times, when I feel like nobody understands me, or understands where I’m coming from. I think about it for a while and most of the time, I realize it’s not that big of a deal and I need to move on. It’s just my insecurity at its best. There’s always going to be some aspiration to fit in somewhere as you mature and have new experiences. As time goes on, I hope to get a better understanding of who I am and where I truly belong in life.
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ReplyDeleteI think about this ALL THE TIME. I think about how people care so much about what they say, and how they dress, and how they look to other people. It took me a long time of being lost, of being depressed and lonely, of feeling so completely worthless and ugly, to establish who I am. And now, things aren’t that much better, but I’ve found a path and I’m on my way. I’m heading in one solid direction, I’m making progress. I know I’m misunderstood, I know I’m weird and different and don’t belong. In middle school, and freshman year as well, all I wanted was to fit in, and when that didn’t happen, I just gave up on it.
ReplyDeleteNow, I can honestly say I feel no need whatsoever to belong. I don’t dress to impress, I dress for myself. I could honestly care less what people say or think about me. I enjoy my independence, my solitude from society. I have plenty of friends who love me for who I am, even if they don’t understand me completely. I’m not asking them to. It’s unfortunate to say, but I feel like I don’t really connect with people. I recall writing in a journal last year for Costal’s class, “The people of society are like a strange new species to me. I don’t communicate with them, I just sit back and quietly observe.”
That being said, I HAVE found, without really looking, a strong sense of belonging, and warmth, and family, and love in the drama club. To find a group of people who, for the most part, don’t judge you, and who completely appreciate you for who you are….that’s special. To find a group of people who, for the most part, are just like you, who make you laugh, who make you cry tears of happiness, and who share the greatest moments of your life with you….that’s amazing. I’m so incredibly lucky to have found it. I find that the only time I’m truly happy is when I’m with them, performing on stage. There’s no feeling like it in the entire world.
Now, I do believe some people are pretty good at faking it. What I mean is, even the most “popular” girl can feel like absolute crap on the inside. She may come home to a family who doesn’t appreciate her, friends who take advantage of her, a society that eats away at her until she’s just a broken shell. I have no doubt that there are people like that. Who feel like there’s no place for them in the world. Like they’re always trying to impress everyone, but they can’t find a reason why. And I feel sorry for them, because it’s quite sad when you’re too afraid to embrace who you truly are.
Home isn’t a location on a map. Home is a relationship, a connection between people. I’ve lived within the same acre of land for the duration of my life, so I know what it’s like to feel lost in a place that couldn’t be more familiar. A sense of belonging is gained not by existing in one spot, but by existing within the lives of those around you.
ReplyDeleteFeeling as though I don’t belong has been one of the most strenuous struggles of my life. I’ve had my fair share of invisibility. In a world of almost seven billion, what difference does an individual make? I occasionally convince myself that there is no one in the world who would understand, but fortunately there are people in my life who constantly prove me wrong, and remind me of how much I belong—at the very least—in their lives.
Is it possible, though, that a sense of belonging could be more of an obstacle than an accomplishment? Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I have a painful tendency to not talk to people I don’t usually talk to; I stick to my already-formed group of friends. Rather than building new relationships, I normally strengthen and maintain the relationships I have with the people who make me feel at home. I choose comfort over risks, belonging over discovering. Sometimes I think that relying on that place called home is the biggest hindrance of all.
As much as I appreciate my sense of belonging, I envy those who feel no such restrictions. Not belonging in any one place forces a person to search the universe for their home, to seek new opportunities and experiences, and to grow. On the contrary, already having a home impedes a person’s ability to explore. Regardless of how warm my home may be, sometimes all I want is to shed it from my restless existence. Not belonging may be lonely, but belonging can be suffocating.
All in all, home lies within. In order to achieve a sense of belonging, you must be content with the person you are, the person you are becoming. Although relationships are a pivotal component of a sense of belonging, a strong self esteem is the key to feeling at home anywhere, whether in Mays Landing or on Mars.
Matt: I always like reading your posts too. They’re really well written and insightful! I like what you said about happiness in life (I think janel touched on it too) I completely agree with you on that front. I also really liked your quote!
ReplyDeleteJuliana: I like how honest your post is! However I have to say that as far as your last sentence goes, I think that SOMETIMES it isn’t so much that a person is too afraid to embrace who they are, more that they don’t quite know who they are (or who they’d like to be) yet.
Personally, I feel the need to belong somewhere. I think this need exists in nearly everyone. Without the sense of belonging, I would feel utterly alone. I hate to say it, but I had little sense of belonging in my elementary school years, mostly due to how shy I was at the time. It sucked. Sure, I had a few friends, but we weren’t very close at all and I felt alienated from most of the other kids. Back then, I was the kid who would sometimes wander around the playground alone during recess, and the kid who was the odd, partnerless one left over when when the class was working in pairs. I didn’t belong, but I definitely wanted to.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think being popular guarantees that a person feels as though they belong. Sure, the popular kid may be “friends” with everyone in school, but that doesn’t mean he has any close friends that he can rely on. I think whether or not someone feels a sense of belonging depends on whether or not there are reliable people around that truly care for them. Everyone may like the popular kid, but that doesn’t mean he has anyone he can depend on.
Luckily, I’ve grown much confidence and gained many amazing friends in the past years, and I finally feel a sense of belonging. I feel that I belong in Mays Landing and Oakcrest, because of the awesome people who surround me daily. (Of course, this sense of belonging doesn’t mean I want to stay here forever.) This sense of belonging comes from the fact that I never truly feel alone anymore. Sometimes I do feel just a little lonely, but I know that I have friends who truly care for me, and who would follow me around all day if they could. I have (decently) high self esteem, and this is all thanks to my friends.
From a young age we are taught not to exclude others in the things we do. That’s basic ‘How Not to Bully 101.’ From that point forward we use that fact as a platform when trying to establish relationships. That simple Kindergarten fact, translates into something everyone feels at some point in their life, the need to feel as if one belongs. Whether it’s belonging to a small hunting and gathering community, (I’m sure Neanderthals felt the need to belong!), or fitting in at Oakcrest High School, everyone sets out to find that specific group; that specific group which fits them as an individual.
ReplyDeleteI cannot speak on behalf of all the popular I’m-in-a-thousand-and-one-sports-and-clubs people, because, well they are their own person. I’m not certain if they feel that they belong, or if the reason they’re in so many activities is because those activities interest them. Whatever the case, I’m sure that at some point they’ve pondered, what am I doing? It’s been established that belonging is part of nature, a part of growing up. So even if they are the most popular person in school, they might question whether or not they belong where they are. (And the answer’s not always, with the populars’ of course!)
The task of moving is daunting by itself, now just tack on moving to a whole different continent, with different weather, different cultures and it’s 7 hours behind! Leaving Africa, and moving half-way around the world came as a shock to me, and I can admit I’m still in a haze. For me, I feel as if Africa is more of a home than America. I like it better than America, and most days I question my parents’ motives for moving me here. In the long run, I’m sure I’ll agree with their decision for moving us, but as of now, I feel like kicking them and screaming, “Africa was ten times better than this crap!”
Africa was a place in which I knew my identity, and I could identify with my friends. For years I’ve felt the need to change myself because I wanted to feel as if I belonged to someone, or anyone for that matter. I changed my whole personality, the way I talked, everything about me. And sure, I did acquire friends, but I was never happy. I was miserable. I had to act like this person that I wasn’t, and day in and day out I wanted to throw away the act and just be me. Afua-Nyamekye Ella Coleman. Plain and simple.
To this day however, I still don’t feel like I truly fit in anywhere. Even though I have great friends, I don’t think they fully understand me or my actions. My culture, for one, sort of gets in the way of me fitting in. It’s bizarre and I try to conceal it, but it’s a part of who I am. It’s frustrating being raised with eccentric traditions that no one in this school would be able to understand. Just talking about them would raise eyebrows. There are times when I would love, truly adore, to strip away the African culture. But no matter how Americanized I seem, there’s always that other culture brewing underneath. However, even though every day I find myself changing my habits or quirks to blend in, I know I’m not the only one. This fact is kind of reassuring. Knowing that there are other people trying equally as hard to fit in doesn’t make it all so bad.
In the end though, I believe one day I’ll figure out my niche (I pray to God I will!). But while time elapses I’ll continue to live by one of my favorite quotes by Sarah Breathnach, “If you don’t know who you are, or if you’ve forgotten or misplaced her, then you’ll always feel as if you don’t belong. Anywhere.” For now, all I can do is concentrate on finding the real Nyamekye, and once I find her, I’m sure all will be well from there.
To Amanda: Oddly enough, I was also extremely quiet and shy in elementary school, and I began to open up in 7th grade as well. I don’t blame you for feeling so connected to New York. While there are cool people in Mays Landing, Mays Landing itself is a pretty boring place. Even though I’ve never lived there, I’m a fan of New York City as well.
ReplyDeleteTo George: I really enjoyed reading your post. I understand why you would want to move.. the same thing over and over again can get very boring. I’ve only lived in Mays Landing for 5 years myself, yet I feel like it’s beginning to get old already. You’ve probably already thought of this, but one day you should move to a big city where things aren’t so repetitive, haha.
To Rachel: You have good points in your post. What struck me the most was the sentence “On the contrary, already having a home impedes a person’s ability to explore.” I didn’t really think of it before, but the sense of belonging really can hold a person down. In the past, I myself have let my sense of belonging stop me from interacting with new people. I suppose the only solution is to be more open to people in general.
Everyday I seem to have the same exact routine. I get up, shower, dress myself, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and leave. (I don't shave because I can't grow facial hair but that's beside the point). Even though I do the same thing every morning, and it should only take a total of maybe 20 minutes, I spend much more time than that. I spend 20 minutes just picking out what I want to wear that day. It all has to do with fitting in. If you wear the wrong thing to school one day, you can be teased for the rest of your life. High school is a very crewel place, led by all different people looking for the same thing; to fit in.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I consider myself to be like the Ron Weasley of high school. I do many things, but still can be some-what awkward in social settings and I am not the big guy on the pedestal that wins the girl at the end. I see myself as always being number two, constantly being second best. The guy that admires that gorgeous girl as she walks down the hallway, but doesn't feel he is "cool enough" to talk to her. I do play three sports, and I am in many clubs and activities, but in every single thing I do, I always seem to be second best (or third or forth, whatever isn't first).
I am also extremely self-conscious. I always think I smell bad, or that I say something that isn't funny, or people just hang out with me because they feel bad that I simply can't fit in. I am this way because I feel the need to fit in. It is exactly that, a need. It is not just a want, it is a need. You don't NEED to be the jock or the most popular guy in school; THAT is a want. However, you do NEED to fit in. If you don't fit in, then that is when people fall into depression.
As for those extremely popular kids, I believe they have moments when they feel like they don't fit in. I feel that everyone is bound to have those moments more often than not. There is no way you can get along with everyone and be a part of everyone's clique. It is impossible. If you are put in the wrong place, then you're not going to fit in; simple as that. If you just find the right group of people, people you can talk to about everything and anything, then that is where you should stay. Sometimes it is good to venture out of your comfort zone, maybe experiment with different groups, but you will always belong to one group in particular.
I have a small group of friends that i find to be my very best friends. I feel comfortable with them, I feel like I can tell them anything. However, there is still times when I'm with them that I find myself to be out of place. It's almost human nature to feel that way, though. Sometimes on long car rides, I lay my head against the window and think about these things. I understand what it feels like to fit in, and I understand what it feels like to not fit in at all; everyone does. I think the real issue is how people cope with not fitting in, and that is the real issue that people find hard to deal with.
In response to Janel- I respect that you don't need to go out of your comfort zone to be accepted. I think that is a privilege that almost no one has. So consider yourself lucky. I also liked your point that everyone belongs in their own worlds. You couldn't be more correct with that statement. Everyone does belong in their own way and in their own world. It's just a matter of finding that place.
ReplyDeleteIn response to George- I almost expected that from you. I envy you more than you can imagine. I wish i didn't feel the need to fit in or feel the need to dress a certain way. But don't you feel that you are swayed even a little bit by what everyone else is doing? I think it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to not be swayed in anyway by anyone. You don't wear a certain brand for the image you want? You don't do certain things because of what you want to come off as? I feel that you do subconsciously and just don't know it. But, hey, I could easily be wrong, I mean I'm Bobby, not George, that's just what I think.
In response to Mimi- I think you have the best possible experience with coming from a different area and trying to fit in. I mean hell, you came from an entire different country, probably barely knew the english language, but now look at you. Second in the class, one of the smartest people i know, and you have definitely found a group for yourself. I feel fitting in for everyone is hard, so i couldn't imagine coming from another country. The race barrier itself can be brutal, but you carry yourself so well. I don't have a personal experience with my home being anywhere else but Mays Landing, so I couldn't imagine wanting to move anywhere out of a 100 mile radius. But in any circumstance, I still feel like you belong here as much as you might not feel so. I think you fit in more than most of us because of your cultural diversity. I feel you truly don't let anyone tell you how to live your life and you found a group that you truly love. Maybe you wouldn't realize that until you lose it, the same way you lost Africa, or maybe I'm just completely wrong (because that happens often) but I think you fit in extremely well.
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ReplyDeleteQuestions like this about the need to belong make me think of one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics. In the comic, Calvin and his tiger friend are having one of their deep philosophical discussions while walking through the woods and Calvin complains, "I'm not having enough fun." Hobbes is puzzled, the same way I am puzzled by the whole concept of seeking additional popularity. Thinking, "I don't have enough friends" poses the inevitable question, who decides how many friends is enough?
ReplyDeleteEach person can "belong" as much as they want to, but "belonging" for the sake of being a person who "belongs" isn't exactly admirable.
None of this is to say that I am immune to the phenomenon of "belonging," anymore than anyone else. I eat, dress, act and generally experience culture in a way that I feel allows me to best relate to my particular group of friends. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not having "enough" fun, or making "enough" friends (or using "enough" quotation marks). However, I comfort myself with the fact that the choices I make in order to belong aren't choices that I regret making, and the friends that I have are a group that I like, and in some cases, admire. I stress that I don't regret my choices with regards to friends, because it seems that many people make poor choices because of the need to belong. I say this with the fear of sounding like a health class video on peer pressure, but it's foolish to let the opinions of others affect self-esteem. Reality is far different, and exclusion hurts everyone (myself included), no matter who's excluding whom.
Dealing with exclusion, belonging and making friends is not just a high school issue either, but one that exists on every level of society. One of the best arguments I've heard for public education is one my mother always gave me, "When you go to a public school you learn how to deal with every kind of person." Perhaps more important than any lesson learned in class during any of our times at Oakcrest (no offense Bunje) are the lessons we learn with respect to dealing with social issues. If, on the exterior, we as teenagers seem immature in the way we have relationships, form cliques and generally behave, it’s because a lot of the problems we face are problems we've never faced before, and are still learning how to solve. In addition, knowing how to act around different people in different situations is an important part of surviving high school, and finding success in the real world. As admirable as it is to be true to oneself, bosses don't want to hear you joking and cursing like a sailor at work, and friends don't want to hear the technical jargon utilized in the workplace in order to make a good impression on one's superiors.
Animals use various methods for marking their territory—spraying their scent, peeing on landmarks, and building shelters, just to name a few. Those animals feel safe, secure, and happy in their little ecosystem, which is basically what a sense of belonging is for humans. Our ecosystem is the town we live in, and all the different organisms are the people in the town. If someone is always changing his ecosystem, then the resulting unknown organisms will cause fear in him. This fear is due to the uncertainty of the benignity or maliciousness of the organisms. To adapt into a new ecosystem, the person must make the organisms benevolent towards him, which to us is known as making friends.
ReplyDeleteAfter the person makes friends, he can start cutting his share of the ecosystem, depending on how bold he is. Once his territory is set, he can relax and enjoy the company of the other organisms in the ecosystem. However, if the person uses too much territory, and it overlaps other organisms’ territories, that is when they step on his turf. When he thinks he has a big tract of land, he is actually sharing it with all the other animals and is having them step all over his plot of land. This is known as the popular kid that does a million activities. Even though he has his own land, he is constantly sharing it with other animals and has no room for himself. Sure he belongs in the ecosystem, but at what cost to him? Does he ever get a moment when he isn’t being watched, judged, or talked to? To regain his solitude, he must start the process again. (Alright, I’m done with the super analogy).
In my opinion, I feel like I belong in this town, this school, and this home, but it is up to my fellow townsfolk to determine if I truly belong here. Feeling like I belong probably makes me more outgoing than I would normally be, but I’ve been trying to tone down the outgoing-ness so I am more like my true self rather than the obnoxious middle-schooler I used to be (I tried TOO hard to belong). I guess what I’m trying to say is that you belong best when you’re yourself, so you should not try to be someone other than you really are and your life will fall into place. You also should try to have as many friends as possible because that leads to overpopulation on your turf.
To James: I think you're right about how it is foolish to let others' opinions affect self-esteem. Mr. Matlack tells us the same things when he talks about going up to the board and being wrong. Letting others get to us is not a good way to belong in society.
ReplyDeleteTo Nyamekye: I don't think that you need to change who you are in order to fit in. Sure, it would be easier just to put on a facade every day, but your true friends come out when you're yourself, even through your faults. You shouldn't be afraid of show your true colors because there will always be someone that will accept you whoever you are.
To Juliana: Being yourself is AWESOME! Drama club is an great place to belong, or at least associate positively with, because they are all cool people. By "cool" I mean that they are all-accepting and fun to be around.
Rachel- I loved what you said about how friends can constantly prove you wrong when you feel like no one understands. It reminds me that the relationships we build are what keep us from becoming invisible, from fading to dust, even after death. The impressions we leave on others, good or bad, are more enduring than some of our greatest achievements. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really remembers the greatest names in history for who they were, not what they did. What did George Washington like to do for fun? What was he like? How did he laugh? The people who remember us for who we were, not what we did, are the people who allow us to survive past death as humans, and not just a name with the day we were born and the day we died.
ReplyDeleteMatt- I must say I feel thoroughly out-quoted, but as I countered your Max Ehrmann with my Bill Watterson, I'd like to counter your disdain for a "cloak [of] insincerity" with my own view on a concept you brushed upon, but never mentioned. The "true self." As I may have mentioned before while discussing transcendentalism last year, I feel that the concept of a true self is an illusion. Each person's thoughts, feelings, opinions, or emotions do nothing to affect who they are until they are shared with someone else. How I picture my "true self" internally means nothing to anyone but me. Our actions define us, even if they don't reflect "who we are" or "how we really feel," because who we are to others is what survives after our minds go blank and our bodies decay. So rather than lying to others about who we really are, when we feel that we "cloak ourselves" we're lying to ourselves about who we want to be.
Bobby- I can totally relate to what you said about thinking about things like this on long car rides. More than once, I've gotten a "What's wrong," when my Mom sees me staring off into deep space, pondering whatever question was on my mind. My reply of, "nothing," is a shield for what I'm thinking, which is probably, "Why'd you have to bother me I almost had that stupid thing worked out until you came along and derailed my train of thought and know all I can think about is how mad I am and I've forgotten entirely what I was thinking about!"
Bobby: I liked how honest your post was. The good thing is, I know everyone feels like that at least sometimes. And you’re so right about the car rides thing… That’s just one example of all the places where one has the opportunity to reflect on EVERYTHING, like in the shower!
ReplyDeleteJanel: Although your point goes against mine, (whereas you’re saying that people’s opinions don’t affect you, and I’m saying that everyone is influenced by outside opinion) I do admire that you don’t care. It’s a good quality to have, specifically now because most of us are crazy, sensitive teenagers who pick through everyone’s words with a fine comb.
Ashley: I thought you made a good point on how people will go through phases of feeling particularly alone or not belonging to any certain place. Maybe something is going on in their life that hinders them from being social. Regardless of the case, it could apply to anyone.
Well, isn’t that life’s quest? I always thought that every person strived to find a niche in the world for themselves, a spot that only THEY can fill the void that would otherwise exist. I guess in a way that I do feel the need to belong. Here’s the catch though, I feel like I belong already. Everywhere I go I feel like I should be there. Whether it be drama club, student council, or Asian Awareness, all the clubs that I am a par of at school seem to have a role in which I fulfill. I know that eventually though all of this feeling will be swept up from under my feet as I find myself in college where I need to find my own little niche in different areas there.
ReplyDeleteEven though I have my own little niche in everything I do, I don’t consider myself a “popular person.” Frankly, those people who have thousands of friends on facebook and spread themselves paper thin don’t really have a place of their own that they belong. They jump from group to group constantly searching for that feeling that they have never stopped long enough to really enjoy anywhere. I would never want to be like one of these people. To me, they must be the people who’s ghosts stay on Earth and wander around in search of something after they die. At least with everything that I do, I find ways to devote plenty of time to each individual thing. This way I can truly enjoy my life and feel at home.
The place that I feel like I belong most is when I’m entertaining. Whether it be on stilts in the center of the crowd on the AC boardwalk or on stage while the curtain opens after intermission, entertaining others has become my favorite thing in the world. I feel like I belong here because at that particular moment I can let myself go and be my “true self.” I can be that person that I don’t normally get to be. I always joke about how I do everything better while I’m on stilts, but that is because I’m not afraid to do anything when I’m up there. Everything I do is strictly in the moment. Truth be it, I thrive off of this. It not only boosts up my self-esteem, but it rids myself of every ounce of stress that could possibly haunt me. This is why performing will ALWAYS be a part of my life, without if I’m just a mess.
To Matt: I haven’t commented on one of your blogs yet, shocker right? I figured that since you identify yourself as one of those who go to a bunch of different clubs seeking a place to truly fits you that maybe you need some advice for someone who has done the same and found a place or two in the end. The first thing you need to figure out is what makes you the happiest out of EVERYTHING in the world, for me that was entertaining, you it might be something else. Then you need to find a place that you enjoy being in that you can really have an impact on by doing that thing that makes you happiest. This can bring you a sense of fulfillment and possible a place that you belong. I strongly believe that everyone has multiple places that can make them feel like they belong.
ReplyDeleteTo Amanda:
I know that feeling of adventure and how it urges that feeling, I could probably say the same thing about Boston even though I have never lived there. With Boston, there is just some air of existence that seems unlike anywhere else in the world. Being cramped up in New Jersey can really make you want to leave, so I really do understand your point of belonging in New York and not here. I hope that one day you can find that adventure on a daily basis again!
To Juliana: Hey Juliana, I’m happy that you’re finally on your way to where you belong! My question for you is what’s your destination? You know that you’ll always have a place and a home with your drama family! I know that I do. As much as I feel like I don’t care about how others think, I know that I still mask myself a tiny bit. I really envy your ability to block out the other comments, you’re probably the strongest girl I know in this sense.
I’m an oddball, and I always have been. My dad has always told me that I think differently than most people. Now, this may or may not have something to do with the fact that I’m left-handed, but regardless, I really don’t see the world as other people do. One of things that separate me from a good majority of my fellow people my own age and others I find around me is the lack of the need to belong. When say this, I mean that I feel as though my home is and will always be South Jersey, but I don’t necessarily belong here. I kind of just am. Then there’s the concept of me belonging with people my age, or fitting in. When I was younger, I of course went through that familiar stage of NEEDING to belong, to fit in where everything and everyone around my little sphere of the world I lived in. (Sixth and seventh grade, the grades I like to call the transition period) But once I cleared bump in the road, I have since then been growing in the direction that doesn’t exactly follow everyone else, even more so after coming to high school.
ReplyDeleteSo even though I really don’t feel like I belong in any certain place, as to say, in school, -because I don’t- I think that my feeling of not belongingness, makes me belong. I think that everyone together, in their own little friend groups and cliques, allows for everyone to belong, even those of us who think we don’t. It would mean that the unbelongers make their own unofficial group, if you look at everything as a whole. I think that the popular people in school, which, after pondering over what that really means, in my opinion are just the kids with rich parents who don’t really care about anyone but other richly parented children. I feel as though they belong. Maybe not with the school body they unfortunately call themselves a part of, but with their very tightly grouped friends. But no one else.
Now, despite the verity that I feel like I don’t belong, I do. I belong with the AP kids in school. I belong with the Groffs at home. But most importantly in my life right now, I belong with a group of kids, extras from my old school, and another from a school here, another there. Originally they were my friends separately, but after some time, they all warmed up to each other. Now we all do everything together, we tell each other everything. There is no doubt in my mind that I fit perfectly in all of their lives, as they do mine. I read a quote once that read, “A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.” I don’t believe in luck all that much, but it sure have been on my side when It comes to belonging. As for my self-esteem? I love entertaining my family and friends, and anyone you ask will tell you that I tend to be a tiny bit hilarious. Now that I think of it, maybe it’s not so much luck that has brought me and my friends together, but my funniness that helps me belong in not belonging.
Connie, don't you ever get sick of belonging to the same place? You make it sound so enjoyable, but I absolutely hate it. Amanda mentioned how she used to live in New York City, and said in a very nice way, that this place is so much more boring. However, I guess it's just about how you want to live. For many of you, it sounded like living in the suburbs was where you belonged. Definitely not for me though.
ReplyDeleteI stopped and read the line "All in all, home lies within. In order to achieve a sense of belonging, you must be content with the person you are, the person you are becoming." over and over gain by Rachel. I think it's genius. Your "Home" is not a place, but an attitude. If you are the person you are inside, you will always be at home. I loved that line by Rachel.
Finally, Bobby. I think you are a little mistaken about me. You suggested that it is impossible not to be swayed by anyone. Well of course it is. I'm not sure why you think I'm not swayed by anyone, because really I am 100% persuaded by other people. All my personality is, is a mixed combination of other people's personality. If I like the way someone looks, I start to dress more like them. If I wish I acted like someone I know, I start to act like them. This isn't unconscious either, I purposely do it all the time. Who I am is just a mixture of who other people are, but at the same time, it keeps me unique. I really do try to fit in all the time, but if I don't fit in sometimes, it's really no big deal for me.
I guess I answered "do I belong" in the sense of people, and not in setting, although the topic concerning popular kids kind of set me on that different path. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteGeorge: While I don’t agree with your stance on staying in the same place forever (I’m really just afraid of adapting to a new setting) I really feel like I need to just get away from my family sometimes. My mom is too strict and uptight, while my brother is a terrible person all around. I guess if a change in scenery went along with getting away from my family I would probably force myself to adapt.
Emily: I was pretty outspoken in elementary school, but kind of died down in middle school. I’m not sure why I ended up like that. Large groups of people were always a chore because I ended up being a straggler, same as you. And I only had a few good friends who actually weren’t very good friends, now that I compare them to my friends now.
Mike: I guess as I progressed through high school to this point, I eventually dug out that niche for myself. My personality paved the way for me to fit in comfortably, and everyone accepted me for the most part. Over time, I changed. I feel like it’s for the better, but it may just the opposite. Anyways, I’ve turned into a generally likable person that can fit into spaces if given time.
I’ve lived in the same house for the past sixteen years and I don’t feel a need to leave. Maybe I’m the only one here, but I like being in Mays Landing. I like the fact that I know where everything is in my house and I can picture how each room is laid out exactly. Home is familiarity with something/someone. This is not to say I don’t like traveling places or meeting new people, because I do enjoy both of those things. However I take pleasure in the fact I can always call on the same people and place to be home.
ReplyDeleteHome isn’t necessarily where you spend a lot of time, but it’s where you feel comfortable and content with the people around you. I think a person can call multiple things “home”. A person can lose places they were able to call home at one time. For instance I used to be able to call my dance studio home, but now I could walk in and not know where I was or who anyone in the room was. I’d feel completely out of place. But on the other hand, a person is always gaining homes as well. Recently I’ve gained a new home in room 204 at Oakcrest. Home has a lot to do with the people around you. Without the people, it’d just be you and an empty house. People make a home. It’s the people that you build memories and futures with.
I believe everyone goes through periods where they feel the need to belong to something, whether it’s a place, person, or a group of people. However I do believe it is experienced at different times during a person’s life, and with different degrees of intensity. Some people don’t have the same intensity level as others do, but who knows why that is? Maybe it’s the way you were brought up, the people you grew up around, or maybe you’re just born with it.
Right now I do feel the need to belong somewhere, but not as much as I used to. I don’t care as much about what people say, and although their comments hurt sometimes, I try to not let their comments phase me as much. I know I belong somewhere in life, because I believe everyone belongs somewhere by the end of their life. When that true “somewhere” is found, I don’t think there’s a way to reverse it.
I know I will the find the exact place in life where I’m supposed to be someday, and maybe that day will come in the next few years, and maybe it won’t. When that day comes I know that it’ll boost my self esteem. The acceptance and realization of knowing where you’re supposed to be is such a reassuring thought. But for right now I’m pretty happy with being Dominique. I have a great group of friends and an amazing family. My classes and clubs are going pretty well too. So right now I feel like I belong with being me – a junior at Oakcrest High School, but someday I know a different calling will come for me.
I have no idea if the “popular” people feel like they belong. Some probably do while some probably don’t. You should be with people and circumstances that make you happy. For instance, a popular person may be so involved with clubs, sports, and classes just to please their parents. This isn’t being happy with where you are if you are strictly living up to someone else’s expectations. You should set your own expectations and not let anyone else interfere with those expectations. You belong where you think you belong. There’s no reason to be someone that you aren’t. Life’s too short to be anything less than happy.
Rachel:
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem as you; I don’t like to talk to anyone new. The only time I ever go out of my way to talk to someone is when I’m forced too. “Not belonging in any one place forces a person to search the universe for their home, to seek new opportunities and experiences, and to grow.” I like this quote a lot, probably because I wish that sometimes I didn’t have a home. There’s a whole world out there, and if you’re always stuck at home, how will you ever experience it? I agree that having a home is nice, it’s always comforting to return to a place that you know you’ll fit in, but experiencing new and exciting places is far more interesting than staying in a place that’s familiar to you.
George:
Now I understand why you have that the bored expression on your face all the time. I agree with you about knowing the same people for your entire life. When I hear about someone that’s lived in the same place their whole entire life, I just can’t imagine it. All I can say is hang in there. When applying to colleges next year, apply somewhere that no one from Oakcrest is, that way you can start a new and exciting life!
Janel: I really admire the fact that you don’t try to purposely please other people and care more about what you think than other people. I wish I could have a little more of your style. Also, I love the fact that you are able to realize that you aren’t going to be friends with everyone. I know it’s impossible for me to be friends with everyone, but I have a hard time actually accepting that fact. Sometimes I try to please others before myself, which isn’t always the best idea when concerning my happiness.
ReplyDeleteMatt: “The obligation to belong somewhere is an incessant pest which eats at us every day; it gradually picks us apart. However, the feeling of belonging is a necessity for a blissful existence. We as humans are hardwired to belong somewhere, therefore the sham that is our very existence can be justified by one simple phrase: happiness.” That was beautifully written Matt! I never really thought of the need to belong as an obligation, but after you said it, I can definitely see how it can actually turn to be an obligation. Also, on you not feeling like you belong – I definitely think you will find it someday. I feel the same sometimes too. Some days I’m very content, and there are some days I wish I was someone else, or somewhere else. However I think finding where you belong is a journey and you’ll find it in time. Don’t give up on that hope!
Rach: “All in all, home lies within. In order to achieve a sense of belonging, you must be content with the person you are, the person you are becoming. Although relationships are a pivotal component of a sense of belonging, a strong self esteem is the key to feeling at home anywhere, whether in Mays Landing or on Mars.” I really enjoyed this statement! I always thought that strong relationships built self esteem which would then build the sense of belonging. I never thought of home being fully within, but from now on I’ll carry this on in my life. I think your one statement, “home lies within,” will get me through some very tough days. Thank you!
To Tom: I really liked how you opened your blog. When I was scrolling up, all I saw was the first sentence going on about animals and it really made me stop and read on, to see how you were possibly going to relate animals to fitting in. But then I saw how you were using it as a simile comparing an ecosystem to our society, and even everyone’s society, and I totally agree with you how everyone in the big picture of our everyday lives does their part to keep things running how they should be. I think that moving around from place to place is what differentiates us from animals though. If I was a tiger, I need to stay in the jungle; it’d be silly to go and live in Antarctica or a people-filled place because I just wouldn’t be able to adapt. I think that humans can move around, they just need time to adapt, (some better than others) and I think a change in scenery is healthy.
ReplyDeleteTo Connie: I love how you wrote your third paragraph! It is dripping with imagery that beautifully describes how real, true friends will be in your life. I agree with whoever told you, “In a person’s lifetime they will be lucky to have met two people that in the end could be dubbed true friends.” So many people will come and in and out of our lives as we continue living it. I think it’s crazy that someone who I could have sleepovers with and be on the phone every night in seventh grade barely says hello to me in the halls now. Even if space and time apart distances friends, if they are suppose to be in each other’s lives, they will both put in effort to rekindle that friendship. But not a lot of people do this very often, making that saying quite correct.
To Rachel: I agree with how you said, “A sense of belonging is gained not by existing in one spot, but by existing within the lives of those around you.” Friends and family are so important, and at this age, friends especially. Filling a spot in your life with a spot of someone else’s is such a precious part of growing up. It makes me feel accomplished, to be someone my friends call to tell their crazy lives about, or to be a shoulder to cry on, or to eat dinner with their family. It makes me feel like friendship is a part of my life, full of someone who is completely like, or completely opposite of me, that I can just...talk to; that I just belong with.
The need to belong is found in every person. This inherent trait is introduced to us when we are first in our mothers womb. As infants , as we are introduced to our mother and her love, we feel that she is the one person we inherently belong with, for she is the one who gave birth to us and provided shelter for 9 agonizing months. However, as we lose some of the dependence and connection that we once had with her we begin to lose that sense of belonging, and thus begin to search the world again for a place we undoubtedly fit in.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely during the teenage years, is a time of searching. We can't help it. It's like the relationship between the moon and the oceans, creating the tides. We're drawn to each other, because we want to know that our reason for being is acknowledged by someone other than ourselves. Thus is the reason we make friends and search for a life in which we are acknowledged. I myself have always felt the need to belong, as with most people. Not being a very charismatic person, I felt I lacked the necessary qualities to find a place in which I could belong to something. It wasn't till 4th grade that I started to gain some of those traits and make real friends that I finally felt I had something to live for, something to feel comforted by, somewhere to belong. We all eventually all come to the same conclusion that people are the key to find belonging and we all take different paths to feel the comfortable intensity given off. For example, some people join clubs, some people become class clowns, some people join some kind of volunteer work. However the most popular method, in high school is to join one of the clicks, the jocks, the nerds, the goths, the drama kids, the artistic people. You know the clicks, you can usually ascertain which person belongs to each click and your probably a part of one or two yourself. I know I am. Clicks were established for the very purpose of finding a place in which you could belong, making it alot easier to find.
When kids join clubs clicks are formed. Now when somebody joins a lot of clubs we can't automatically assume that they join because they feel insecure and as though they don't belong. We can however ascertain that they just want to find another place where they can belong. Going to multiple parties and clubs doesn't necessarily make you insecure, it makes you a person who could just simply wants to belong to a lot of things and thats ok.
Belonging to some kind of group, organization, or something among those lines intensifies ones self esteem 100fold. It feels as though you not only belong but have something to live for. Not to sound emo or anything but, if I had absolutely nothing in which I could belong to I would probably be dead. I can't picture a world in which I have nothing going for me or I'm not part of some team, some club, or friends with anybody. Having that kind of life to me seems pitiful. It would be waking up everyday and asking myself over and over, why should I even get up, no one acknowledges me, I don't belong anywhere. To me having that place I can turn too gives me a load of confidence because whatever happens I know there's somewhere I can go and feel great again. It's just a boost of energy that keeps your spirits up high. I can't imagine not having that anymore. Aside from that, everyone has a place in which they belong even if it does seem like it, it's a scavenger hunt in which we all must journey and pay very close attention to where things may be hiding because if we don't we won't find that place of high self esteem.
To Dominique: I like that you enjoy living in Mays Landing. It sort of goes along with what I was saying in that you belong at home, and your home is in Mays Landing. If this makes any sense at all I belong with my family, but I don’t want to live in Hamilton Township. Knowing that you do shows that you have grounds and are proud to have them. I also liked how you said something about your calling changing when you get older.
ReplyDeleteTo Mike G: I agree that “popular” people wear themselves too thin to have a place to belong. I can’t see how going from activity to activity from friend to friend can give someone a niche. You are very entertaining, and quite frankly I can see you doing something with it for the rest of your life. You are very lucky to have found something that can reduce your stress and keep you focused!
To: Bobby: I appreciate the openness of your blog post. I think that many people feel the same way you do, however I don’t think that not fitting in sends people in to depression (which I don’t believe in, but that’s another story). Well anyways, in my opinion, not fitting in, or having the feeling that you don’t fit in motivates people to try and fit in. I believe that is okay though. If trying, or succeeding at fitting in makes you happy, than you should go for it! If not, try something else.
Ashley H.: I know exactly how you feel, some days there are times when I feel completely isolated from people and I just want to fit myself back into the world. However there are some days, in which I'm completely fine and I feel as though I completely belong and never feel isolated. I think this process intensify when your a teen, because when your young you don't know any better and can get along with pretty much anyone in any place, as an adult you learn to deal. However as a teen ager your on the cusps of learning how to deal and get along with anyone.
ReplyDeleteTom: I like how you related this blog to animals in there ecosystems. Kudos to you!! It made me very impressed and I think its your best yet. Also I like how you touched upon an aspect of belonging that I didn't think about. Its not only you feeling as though you belong but its also that the people feel as though you belong too. True belonging is acceptance on both ends of the spectrum.
Emily D.: All I can say is that I felt sad for you telling us about your elementary school years. I felt that same way too, but like I said it wasn't really till forth grade that I broke out of that shell and started to feel as if I belonged. Your right oakcrest does have a lot of amazing people in which you can be surrounded by and I hope you can find another place that makes you feel just the same or even better when you (eventually) move out of Mays landing. However,I’m glad that you have found a place in which you can belong now.
I think in the type of society we live in, especially at our age, everybody does their best to fit in. I feel the need to belong, because if you don't belong then you get judged by everyone around you, and nobody likes that.
ReplyDeleteThe popular kids and the not as popular kids both struggle with trying to fit in. The second you don't fit in anymore, you lose it and again you're unpopular. The popular kids definitely feel the need to fit in because if they don't they won't have that feeling of being popular and having so many friends, like they did before.
I feel like the place I belong is right where I'm at now. I love all the friends I have now; I love the relationships I have with my family and the place I'm in my life. I feel this way because over the years I've really figured out who my best friends are and who they aren't. I've also become best friends with my close family members, although they know just when to be family, they also know when to be best friends. The sense that I belong really makes me feel good and allows me to open up more often. Some of you probably didn't know this, but as Nick Tomasello said today, I've got a big ego. As the saying goes, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall." Well, this definitely goes true for me ego. As big as it is, when I'm left out of something, it gets to me right away! I hate being left out or stuck on the outside of the group.
I don't feel that there's anywhere that I don't belong. I am pretty good at making myself known to the people around me, so it's pretty rare that I ever feel uncomfortable in any setting. I make sure this doesn't happen by being the center of attention, making light of certain situations, and just being me. It works, anybody having problems should try it!
Mike:
ReplyDeleteI agree with you when you say popular people “spread themselves paper thin don’t really have a place of their own.” I’m always wondering who they decide to hang out with, seeing as they have so many friends. I’d probably get annoyed, always hanging out with different people and having to make time for others. I think it’s really awesome that you feel at home entertaining. It’s obvious when I see you doing something in drama. You’re a good entertainer! I’m actually kind of jealous that you’ve found something that makes you happy. I’ve never had anything like that. Anyways I encourage you to continue entertaining people as long as it makes you happy!
To be quite frank, I’ve never truly given too much thought into the idea of feeling a need to belong. Essentially, the need to belong is taken from the concept of trying to establish an identity for oneself. People in general are caught up with the journey in attempting to figure themselves out, and thus in a state of disorientation, they will experience an overwhelming desire to belong. I believe this occurrence is natural, as self-discovery is vital to succeeding and thriving in a society driven by social interaction. I would consider myself in the group of people that has established an identity and doesn’t inherently feel a strong need to belong. Honestly, I’ve always considered myself somewhat unordinary or perhaps in a more accurate sense unique in perspective to others.
ReplyDeleteDespite this, I believe that it is certain that everyone has faced the desire to belong one way or the other. This is evidenced in the people we associate with, the clothes we choose, the things we do, the things we eat, the way we act. It is all at least slightly affected out of the desire to belong. For some, the discovery of an identity occurred early on, and therefore some may not recognize the littlest of things that were established by the need to belong. Essentially this feeling will be dominant at a very young age in which children will desperately attempt to unite with friends. These friends, will impact how we function in society. This still is happening now at the age of 16 or 17. This is because we want to relate to people and almost without realization, we adopt philosophical traits that allow us to relate to these people.
Now, there is a distinct difference between the natural need to belong, and the fabricated, almost to the point of obsession, need to belong. This can be characterized by an almost intense desire to assimilate with others and this will therefore drive one to be like others. To offer a fair criticism on the people who participate in all the activities and are what some may call the “cool kids”; I would say that this is most often due to personality. However, there are a select few that are borderline insane when it comes to friendship and “fitting in”. And to understand the reasoning behind it, would require the insight of those specialized in psychology. Back to the people who are actively social, I would offer the premise that these people are for the most part satisfied with where they are in terms of belonging. It’s just who they are, and nothing much else.
Essentially, everyone has a place, and it’s in the hands of the individual to decide where exactly that is. At this point in our development, I would probably be able to safely state that nearly everyone has found somewhat of a social niche for themselves. There is always a small group to which one belongs, a style to which one emulates, and a personality to which one relates. I can understand that there are some people who might just not feel like they fit in, but based on the sheer variety in the human race, it is basically guaranteed that there are people akin to their ideals and characteristics. I have established a select group of friends in which I relate and associate with, and have recognized just the type of person I am, and with this I am content. I belong out of habit, not desire. Everyone typically does.
Tom- I liked your example of the way that animals survive, interact, and establish their territories! But, can you relate the animal's sense of "feeling popular" in the same way that humans strive for.
ReplyDeleteMike G- I feel the same with that Facebook example. I can't stand it when people have over 1000 friends on Facebook! They probably only know half of the people they're actually friends with. They will add anyone who requests them because of the possibility you could be friends with them. Man, really gets me going.
Bobby- I feel ya big guy on the self-conscious thing. I never know if i'm good enough and i'm always doing my best to look as good as i can, act as funny as i can, just to impress people. I do wonder sometimes if all i do to make myself as awesome as possible, if it's worth it. Hmm... maybe i'll think about on my next long car ride.
I believe everyone, especially at the age of 16 or 17, feels the need to belong and they’d be lying if they said they didn’t. Now I’m not talking the need to be the most popular girl/boy in school having the best parties. I mean the need to feel like you are apart of something or someone else’s life whatever way that may be (which differs for everyone). If you don’t have this need you’ll simply find yourself alone. When someone is in as many clubs, sports, and activities as possible they absolutely will feel like they belong, as long as they’re in what fits them.
ReplyDeleteI love tennis; watching it, playing it, etc. So joining the team gave me that sense of belongingness because I was doing something I actually enjoyed. The other clubs I do are also for my enjoyment and make me feel as if I belong as well. However I didn’t always feel this way at Oakcrest High School.
Most of us have known each other since elementary school and went through Hess, Shanner, and then Davies. However my years didn’t go by that smoothly. I moved to Buena my 7th grade year and adapted to the people and schools adequately. I loved it. Both 7th and 8th grade years I was in every club. I knew everyone and they knew me. The beginning of freshmen year was just as pleasing until I was hit with the big move back to Mays Landing. It was then that my happiness and sense of belonging came to an end. I came back to everyone I’ve known before except they weren’t. No one was the same. But what else was I to expect when it was half way through freshman year and I haven’t seen these people since middle school. Thus my freshman year became extremely awkward; I woke up every morning dreading school. Why? Because I felt like I no longer belonged. However once sophomore year came I once again adjusted to the people I was around and once knew, and became more involved with Oakcrest, and I love it.
To Cole: You defiantly amuse me; I really enjoyed your blog this week. I think everyone is socially awkward in middle school. Its time of puberty and hormones, as is high school but in high school I think we learn to control those hormones. I agree activities, like band, will help someone feel as though they belong. It’s good to be involved; it defiantly helped me (referring to tennis and other clubs I’m in). I also agree that where you belong isn’t necessarily a place but with certain people. If you don’t connect well with anyone around you you won’t feel like you belong. Finally, I like the idea of your close-knit circle and “no need for anyone else” attitude.
ReplyDeleteTo Amanda: Again, I believe we are all prone to the socially awkwardness of 7th grade (middle school). However it’s sad to think we’ve actually forced ourselves to hang out with people we didn’t feel comfortable around just to try and fit in. I believe now that we don’t feel that urgency or force to belong as we did when we were younger is a sense of maturity. And it’s an excellent trait to possess. I never knew you moved from New York when you were younger, that’s amazing. I’d love to experience that happiness of going to see a Broadway play. I think it’ll give me that feeling of belonging. Anyway, I fell in love with your last paragraph. We all at some point feel like no one can understand us. However it’s important to remember that’s not true and you don’t need to shut the world out.
To Emily: I completely agree with you when you say nearly everyone has the need to belong somewhere. It is completely true. If you don’t make an effort to even find out where you belong and who you fit in with you’re going to end up alone. I also appreciate your reflection of being “the kid who was the odd, partnerless one left over when the class was working in pairs.” I think we all might’ve been this kid at some point; I defiantly was.
To James: I thoroughly I enjoyed your brief analysis on the necessity to deal with all types of people. This is ultimately something that is requisite to succeeding in general and working our way through the social society. We must recognize how to act with whom, and this is as a result of already belonging to multiple groups of people. You said it best in your contrast of personality at work and at home. Overall, I agree with your opinion of the need to belong being inescapable in a sense. We sometimes do things out of habit without realization in a need to belong.
ReplyDeleteTo George: I vigorously share your urge to break away and just get away from the conventional and mundane. To venture out, and experience the world. Perhaps some people such as you don’t belong anywhere specifically, I can relate to this sometimes. Hey, maybe we can go travel and become nomads in Deutschland. But in all seriousness, it is also important to establish relationships with people and be social to an extent as you mentioned. For some people, staying in one place is a personal hell. We just want to get the heck out of here and be free in a sense.
To Cole: I sometimes have felt as though people aren’t important, sometimes it’s hard not to feel that way and we suppress ourselves. As a good friend of yours I strongly relate to the idea that having too many friends is not necessary, rather a small yet quality group is satisfying. That’s all one really needs. It doesn’t matter whether people spread themselves thin in activities, everyone realizes who they are in a private way and they may very much belong without others knowing it.
Nyamekye- It sucks that you feel you don’t belong here. I often feel out of place at Oakcrest, but I can't begin to imagine what it's like to feel out of place on an entire continent. You know better than almost anyone how it feels to not belong. Just remember that just because people don't understand you and your culture doesn't mean you have nothing in common with them. People of all origins and backgrounds can always find similarities in each other.
ReplyDeleteJuliana- I like what you wrote about just “observing” society. I’ve always felt that I spend more time watching other people live their lives, than I do actually living my own. It’s so hard not to become a wallflower when you just can’t seem to find a place with the people around you. I also admire how you really don’t care what people think. Lots of people struggle to not let other’s opinions impact the way they live. It takes a lot of strength to not care what people think, and I both admire and envy you for possessing that.
Dom- I really like what you said here: “People make a home. It’s the people that you build memories and futures with.” It doesn’t matter how far from Mays Landing you travel. You can gain a sense of belonging just from knowing that someone, somewhere, cares about you. Don’t ever be afraid to leave home, because as long as you have those people to lean on, you’re still there.
Throughout the hallways of Oakcrest, every corner you turn, you see the many students trying to fit in with each clique they belong in. The constant need of "fitting in" is a life necessity. The way we talk, dress, and the activities we are a part of, are all examples of how we want to be liked. As George said, we're persuaded by others. Jealousy is a major part of this and it's what makes us feel the need to fit in.
ReplyDeleteThe people who feel the need to do every club, sport, and attend every social gathering possible, are people who want to increase their reputation and get more people to like them, real friends or not (opinionated of course, don't want to offend anyone if they feel otherwise).
As Kendall said about tennis, I feel the same way about baseball or hockey. I may not be that great at baseball, but I love watching it, and playing it. Hockey on the other hand, I've been playing for half of my life and consider myself to be pretty good. Playing hockey with my friends makes it that much more enjoyable.
The feeling of belonging and having friends that I can trust and talk to greatly improves my school experience and my social life. It makes school easier when you need help on an assignment, and it makes going to school something somewhat more enjoyable. The couple of weeks before school starts in September, the number one thing most people say is, "This summer was fun, but I miss seeing my friends everyday." It all goes back to feeling like you belong in the group you spend the most time with.
Cole: I think I was pretty much the same way in middle school. It wasn't until 8th grade that I started to socialize more and meet new people. I remember you presenting your court case last year, almost acting it out, and you seemed very open about it. You're pretty funny, don't see you having much trouble meeting new people.
George: I kind of agree with you about always trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing. Whether I know them or not, I'm always trying to impress people. Definitely something a lot of us do.
Dominique: I could not agree with you more on your first couple sentences. I really like Mays Landing. It's certainly by any means, not perfect. I love how familiar I am with the area, and I really dislike change. I haven't lived here for as long as you have, but I feel like I have my whole life.
Belonging has always been something that was of utmost importance to me. It’s only caused me stress and put way too much pressure on being “normal” but regardless I’ve always cared too much. To be honest, I’m nearly positive I failed for the better part of my life, miserably failed even.
ReplyDeleteWhile I would like to say I don’t care as much anymore, which is true, I still naturally feel an urge to belong. The feeling of people wanting you around is addicting. The feeling of an all too familiar area beckoning to you “welcome back” is grotesquely appealing. The need to belong is the basis of conformity, which in case anybody had yet to notice, is a pretty common practice. Now this isn’t to say that anybody who feels like they belong is a complete and total conformist. I’m simply addressing the fact that many people try to fit in so as to feel as though they belong.
Of the most popular people I can imagine, as to whether or not they feel as though they belong, I believe it could both ways. Perhaps they feel so comfortable with themselves and like they belong so completely that they’re outrageously outgoing and well-liked simply because they feel comfortable enough to be that way. On the other hand, perhaps they strive for the feeling of belonging so much that they expend all of their time and energy trying to be a concoction of twenty different social groups. Either you feel like you belong and are outgoing or you need to feel like you belong and force yourself to be outgoing. Everybody varies on the degree in which they feel that they belong.
All my life I strived to be normal and I ended up extremely different. I may seem pretty normal, but just take my word that if you really knew me, you’d have a different opinion on that. Now that I’m a failure I think I’ve actually succeeded in feeling like I belong, somehow. Since I feel comfortable with myself I generally feel comfortable everywhere. It’s a mentality. I’ve learned that a lot of things can be controlled by the mind. If I want to be happy, I more or less decide to be happy. Since I choose to like myself, it makes me feel comfortable with myself in a lot of different places and situations. I’m a Varsity lacrosse player and even though I’m not especially good, I feel as though I belong there. None of us are really experienced enough to be playing lacrosse with girls who have played their whole lives, but I still feel comfortable with how hard I try. Likewise, in all of my classes I feel as though I belong, probably because I don’t doubt my ability to do well in any of the classes. If I want something bad enough I know that I’ll try hard to do well. Around my friends I feel like I belong, because I know they accept me for exactly who I am and that’s why they’re my friends. But of course I do feel like I belong the most at home. It’s something I’ve known all of my life. It’s a place where I know I don’t ever have to even worry about putting on a façade. It’s a place I know will always accept me for who I am. Just simply driving near my neighborhood fills me with an overwhelming sense of belonging.
ReplyDeleteSince I feel like I belong almost everywhere around here, it definitely raises my self-esteem. It’s just natural that when you feel as though you belong and that people accept you, you tend to feel better about yourself. Sure enough though, the sense of belonging does not extend far past the borders of the area in which I live. Whenever I’m outside of “home” I tend to become mores self-conscious due to the tiny shifts in culture and customs. I feel alienated when I’m not around the exact mannerisms that I’m so accustomed to. When I was in Myrtle Beach this past summer I felt much more reserved than usual. I was temporarily living in a place in which the word “stupid” was considered a bad word. I was, stupidly enough, afraid of being judged. There was truly no reason to fear this. But either way, it does take a hit on your self-esteem. I’m going to try to work on feeling comfortable with who I am everywhere and not just at home. Because soon enough I’m going to be away with a plethora of people I don’t know and may never know well enough to feel like I completely belong. But I do believe that so long as people feel completely comfortable in themselves, they should feel like they belong anywhere.
Amanda L: That’s a good perspective on how popular people feel. Maybe they don’t feel like they belong and are constantly and obsessively trying to find that place that they belong. It would make sense. In the process they’ll make a lot of friends and have a lot of great experiences, but that doesn’t guarantee they’ll ever achieve their most important aspiration: to feel like they belong.
ReplyDeleteJuliana C: Just how you don’t care what other people think is why I completely adore you and understand you. I honestly can’t even express how much I wish I was like you. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to not care. Don’t ever resent being like that. People can think what they want about you but I hope it doesn’t bother you too much. It’s amazing to be unique and love yourself for it.
Rachel F: I never thought about what you said about, “having a home impedes a person’s ability to explore.” I definitely feel like if I didn’t feel so constantly comfortable at home that I wouldn’t have anything to compare it against. For example, if I never had a home, I would never know what it was like to feel absolutely comfortable in a specific place. If I never had that, I wouldn’t notice what it was like to feel uncomfortable anywhere else. I wouldn’t notice and I would be able to freely move around and explore without any ties to a place where my body always wants to return to.
The need to belong, I feel, is vital to our well-beings. Everyone needs to take comfort in something, somewhere, with someone. Our lives would be void if we didn’t. It’s not just teenagers that feel this need to belong somewhere – to be comfortable somewhere – it’s children, pre-teens, young adults, middle-aged adults, and the elderly. Everyone wants to be able to have one thing, go one place, be with one person, and feel totally at ease. Feeling like you need to belong, and actually feeling like you belong are infinitely different in the fact that when you feel like you need to belong, you’re alone; on the outside looking in. When you feel like you belong, you’re content, relaxed.
ReplyDeleteClearly, the feeling of belonging is different from every person’s perspective. Some people need to be surrounded by EVERYONE, always being the center of attention, to feel like they belong; while others are satisfied having just one person look at them, and still feel like that this is where they’re supposed to be. As for those “popular” kids (I put popular in quotations because I do not like the word, I don’t know what classifies one person as popular and another as a loser), if they’re happy doing what they’re doing, and they keep doing it, then why wouldn’t they feel like they belong? Something’s clearly working for them.
Personally, I feel like I belong with my boyfriend (as CORNY and MUSHY as that sounds, I apologize). He’s the one human being on this planet I feel 200% comfortable with, and it doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing, as long as I’m with him, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, I simply feel accepted. Even when he’s being a total Buttfacepoopyheadjerky McGee, he still sneaks in little ways to make me feel good about myself, because I can always be myself. That freedom is the most important thing in the world, because if you can’t be yourself, then how will you ever feel as if you truly belong?
Somewhere I don’t belong, I feel like would be with some of my female friends. They’re extremely cliquey, secretive, you know, typical high school girl stuff. I don’t dig that, I prefer to be around people who will pull you into a conversation when they sense you’re being left out, or let you rant when you’re upset about something as opposed to being interrupted every two seconds if you’re not saying something that happens to keep these girls’ wandering attention. Being around these people is extremely frustrating for me just because they’ll act like they care, but their glazed eyes are a dead giveaway. It makes me feel simply like an extra body for them to have around them, so they look like they have more friends than they really do, because real friends do not use one another at their disposal.
To Amber: You're adorable. I love how much you've come out of your shell since you were the little self-conscious girl I met back in grade school. You are, as you said, much more comfortable with YOURSELF, therefor much more comfortable around everyone else. For someone who's known you for so long, that change was, while drastic, quite inspiring because more people get to know the real you as opposed to the innocent little blonde you pretend to be.
ReplyDeleteTo Kendall: Moving back here freshman year after not seeing us all since sixth grade must have been pretty hard for you and Kayla because as you said, it's all the same people, but not the same as you left us. I'm glad you feel so comfortable here again, though. :)
To Ashley: I literally started laughing when I read the whole "nobody understands me, woe is me" thing! That was a good one. Anywho, I love how your voice is very dominant in your writing and I love how you pointed out that we're all individuals, yet we all feel the need to belong. That was a really interesting point, I hadn't thought about that!
I feel slightly on the edge about this. On the one at the age of 15 or 16 I feel like there is an innate feeling of wanting to belong with our peers and families. On the other hand I think this is the age where people first starting to feel a want to belong elsewhere. I find myself right between these two points and transitioning to the latter. I have attained the feeling of "belonging" at school and with my friends and family, but I find that there is an ever-growing feeling of wanting to get out of here and go to find somewhere else to belong. I really do love Oakcrest and most of the people I've met here, but its time to go and see some new faces.
ReplyDeleteNow-a-days it is difficult to know exactly how someone is feeling because everyone puts on a mask to hide their feelings or their past or their fears and so I cannot say for sure if someone who would appear to be everyone’s favorite person is actually content with who they are and feels like they belong. Unless you know those people very well I think its safe to say that no one can make that assumption.
If there’s anywhere I belong it’s a stage. Its incredibly cliché and everyone and their mother has some intimate connection with music, but the stage is really the only place where I really feel like I can be 100% myself. The feeling you get when you’ve just finished a great show or belted out a particularly hard number the feeling is somewhat like a runners high it just indescribably great. Being part of a cast is the only experience that I can honestly say that I was part of a team that I cared about or felt any connection to. I have found that drama, although sometimes very competitive and self-serving, is a very accepting place to be. You can be your most obnoxious, loud, and quirky self and no one looks twice. The sense of belonging that goes along this is not as big of a deal for me. I definitely feel accepted and loved, which for a short time feels great. But I don’t know that I would say that I get anything out of belonging, and I don’t generally feel that I have too big a problem with my self esteem, so just the love and excitement does it for me.
Juliana: I think it’s great that you feel more independent now and don’t have that strong urge to belong anymore. I’m sure your love of drama club has helped a lot with that. I hope one day I can be a part of something where I have a strong sense of belonging just like you and your drama family.
ReplyDeleteNyamekye: As much as I have questioned my parents’ decision to move to New Jersey, it’s absolutely nothing compared to what your feeling right now. I know what it’s like to want to “hide” your culture just to fit in. After reading the quote at the end of your post, it reassures me that it isn’t worth it. I like when you said “But no matter how Americanized I seem, there’s always that other culture brewing underneath.” Our culture will always be a part of us and we should never let it go.
Bobby: I really enjoyed reading your blog and the openness of it. I can definitely relate when you say you feel out of place even when you’re with your best friends. I think it’s because we’re just so caught up in ourselves sometimes, it leads us to that mindset where we feel no one understands. I think about it after a while (sometimes on long car rides), and I throw my ego and insecurities out the window. Afterwards, it doesn’t seem like a big deal and probably nothing to stress about. And your best friends will reassure you on that.
Even though we all might deny it, yes we do need to feel like we belong somewhere. I’m sure no one likes to wake up in the morning feeling alone. This is why some people find the need to go to EVERY party and join EVERY club and sport. They are just trying to find themselves and a group of people that they are apart of. Whether its feeling belonged at home or school, every teenager goes through this problem. Including me.
ReplyDeleteI have never felt like I truly belonged at home. My parents, like every other parents, did pick favorites when it came to my sisters and me. My mom absolutely adored my older sister, while my dad liked my little sister more. My older sister was always the “smart child”, while my younger sister was the “obedient child”. Where do I fall? I’m still confused about that one. I tried so hard to be like my sisters. I tried taking harder classes and helping out around the house, but I was never as smart as my older sister and never as helpful as my younger sister. My sisters were always chosen over me, their lives were just way more important than mine. I love my family, but sometimes they treated me like I really wasn’t a Zeb. So eventually (after 15 long years), I just gave up trying to impress my family.
But home is not the only place where I felt that way. Living in Mays landing also makes me feel that way. Actually no, scratch that, living in New Jersey makes me feel that way. If you haven’t noticed yet, there aren’t many Pakistanis in this school, so there really isn’t anyone that I can relate to. Even though I not a big fan of Paki’s, it would be nice to know that I’m not alone. Because of my culture and my religion, I have never really felt like I have been accepted anywhere. When people see me they think either terrorist or curry. Either of which, I don’t want to be associated with. Even though any kind of food tastes better with curry, I don’t want people to think that when they see me. I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I joined a team.
When I joined the tennis team, I felt a sense of belonging. I felt like I was apart of something special, and felt like I finally found my “group”. When I started my freshman year, we all sucked. But we accepted each other even though we could barely hit the ball over the net. It didn’t matter because we all had the same goal: To be a team and to stay together. Even after all the drama and girl fights we have, we still come together and cheer each other on at a match. I finally felt like I found my family.
George- I feel more and more like this everyday, as of late I find myself more and more irritated with doing the same old thing with the same people and I have also lived her my whole life and am craving a change.
ReplyDeleteAshley and Nyamekye_ I feel like most people who have posted fee; the same about “the popular people” that they are who they are and who are we to say if they belong or not. So id like to say that I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this and that other people at least somewhat feel like they cant judge others on what is put out in high school or in general.
Bobby- first I like your harry potter reference and I definitely feel that your not alone. Think about it only one person can be the best and just because they are doesn’t mean that they are happy or feel that they belong.
Rachel : I totally agree, belonging has always been an obstacle for me too. Belonging somewhere shouldn’t be as hard as it is. And you’re quiet? Really? I would have never guessed. I’m just kidding, but sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and talk to more people.
ReplyDeleteNyamekye: I feel the same way! I don’t really want to go back to Pakistan as much as you want to go back to Africa. But I know what you mean about how you have to constantly change things about yourself to adjust to your surroundings.
Kendall: I understand how hard it was for you when you moved to Buena and then came back. Although I never went back, it was kind of the same for me when I moved to Mays Landing. I had grown up with everyone in Atlantic City and then came here and everything was so different. By the way…tennis…ca-caw…enough said.
How many times have I heard that ‘humans are herd animals’? That they ‘feel the need to belong on the most fundamental level’? Eh, pretty often, but because it’s true, basically. All normal, and by normal I mean a human being firing on all pistons, is going to feel that basic need to belong. Do I?
ReplyDeleteWell, yeah, pretty much. Do I think I belong? No, not really. In a small scale way I belong; I belong with my friends, or I belong in the AP Course, or I belong at home, with my parents, where I was born and raised. But in the grand, universal style? No, I’m not in my niche. Do I doubt such a niche exists? Also yes. I think I will never be ‘settled’, or whatever you call it, at peace with the universe, all in its rightful place and so on and so forth. People will always be looking for where they ‘fit in best’, but for me at least there will always be this nagging feeling that this isn’t really the place for me, or that somewhere different or better is, like something half glimpsed out of the corner of an eye or the dream that recedes when you open your eyes after a long sleep. Maybe it does exist, and I’m doing myself a disservice by skipping out on the search? Well, that’s for other people to find out. I don’t much worry myself with it. Trying to be normal is trying to be the different that everybody wants to be.
Am I undervalued or misunderstood or any of those things? Maybe I am, maybe not, I feel like I’m wholly unequipped to answer those questions by sole virtue of being me. Does this feeling of never belonging or being wrong hurt my self esteem? Again, I’m not sure, but I’d lean towards probably not. I’m not sure I have much self esteem, or ever have, maybe. Probably I traded it all out for introspection a long time ago. Maybe I’m wrong there, too. I think I’m feeling weird today. Apologies in advance.
Cole: I get your rap. It’s my rap too. Belonging isn’t so much about a place as it is with a certain group of people. People that reflect your values, maybe, or who understand you?
Tom: I agree with your assumption that the need to belong starts with yourself and who you are, rather than depending upon your surroundings and what they are. I think everything starts with the self.
Ted: I love how right away you related the need to belong to your self identity. Loved it. I think the two are fundamentally intertwined, in a way, not quite the same thing, but close. Perhaps once you have established self identity it will help you in your quest for your niche?
George: I totally respect your view on not feeling the need to belong. I too, have had the same stance on the subject at different points throughout my life. However, I feel like your hyperbole about an inmate in jail was a bit rash.
ReplyDeleteBecca: I stopped reading at "boyfriend." That was sarcasm. Seriously, that paragraph was really cute. I hope you always keep that sense of happiness with another person.
James: I love your sense of self-awareness in writing. It's great comic relief, and I envy that you can pull it off so adroitly. The quotes you quoted, then put in quotations and later used in your humorous statement about quotes made your blog quite enjoyable.
All through elementary school and middle school, I never had more than four or five close friends. Sure I had other acquaintances that I would get along with, but I’d spend the majority of my time with close friends. I was relatively quiet in the classroom setting, and I kept to myself. A question of belonging never occurred to me at this point, so I didn’t really care. As long as I had friends I belonged. Some of my old friends I am still close friends with, but some of them are so different now that I can’t say we’re friends anymore (which is really sad). People change, and the social group someone belongs to changes. I know I’ve changed socially, and I hope it has been for the better.
ReplyDeleteEntering high school was inevitably going to change my social life. I met tons of new people and I had to adapt to the new way of school life. I made new friends and felt established as a good student. In fact, when I received my first semester report card and saw my class rank, I knew I was an above average student (not to boast). Not only did I start to associate myself with the other students of high intellect (nerds), but I started to belong. I found out that I could be quite comedic at times, and I could occasionally give the class a laugh without angering the teacher.
Ultimately, I never actually felt a need to belong because I guess I’ve always belonged somewhere, even if it changed dramatically over my childhood. I’ve always lived in the same house in Weymouth, so I feel that I belong there. Because my home IS home to me, I’ve never felt the need to belong anywhere else. The social group I feel that I belong to would have to be the nerds. While the word “nerd” has negative connotation for social life, it really isn’t always the case. Nerds are just those who are more academically motivated than the average student. Having the feeling of belonging to a tight group of friends keeps my self-esteem from hitting rock bottom. My self-esteem could be better, but it’s not terrible.
The popular kids in school obviously belong if they bear the title of “popular.” How they feel about belonging may be a different story. A popular kid could just be friends with all the other cool kids because he or she feels they need to dress and behave a certain way to be cool, because being cool is everything to them. Then there could be the popular kid who is just popular because he or she does a lot in the school community. Everyone knows him or her because they associate with him or her somehow. Being well known, to some of these “popular” kids, may not be enough to fit in. Having really great, close friends is what they need.
To Cole S: I remember you using the Rubik’s cube in 8th grade. I was also fascinated by the puzzle and memorized the algorithms. I have undergone a similar social change as I entered high school, but it’s hard to imagine anyone who hasn’t. The sense of belonging does feel good, and who cares if feeling important is in vain? Also, I’m glad to be part of your “close-knit circle of friends,” because it does give me the feeling of belonging.
To Bobby K: I never realized it took you so long to pick out clothes! I take no more than five minutes to pick out decent looking and matching clothes. On a more serious note, I never thought of you as “the second best,” as you call yourself. I always thought you were that number one, popular kid. I’m not saying this as an insult, but I truly believe that you fit the description of the “extremely popular” kids you described. We’re good friends, and I feel that I know you enough to say this, but maybe I’m wrong.
To Thomas F: I actually enjoyed reading your “super analogy,” and I thought that it fit well into the subject at hand. I also agree with the thought that being yourself is the key to belonging. Too many people try to be someone they’re not and end up in a bad situation, unhappy with themselves.
To Becca: I'm happy that you have that one person that you're completely comfortable around! That's really important when it comes to feeling like you belong. And I agree with you in the sense that some people just make me feel uncomfortable and out of place. But we need to get past those people, and focus on the people we feel we fit in with, and the people who make us happy.
ReplyDeleteTo Schuyler: I agree with you in the sense that there will always be that nagging feeling that we don't belong. Even with my drama family and Yu'seph, I sometimes feel out of place. I don't think they're will ever be a place where we truly and wholly belong. And if there is, I think it's extremely rare.
To Olivia: It's great that you've found a connection with drama, I completely agree with you that being on stage is the number one place where I can always be myself. I also agree with you in the sense that although we feel the need to be surrounded by our peers and family, there's still that nagging feeling that there's bigger and better places out there.
I feel like I belong in certain circles of people, and that I don’t belong in other groups. Everyone has interests, and our interests are what ultimately decide our friends: I care more for chess than I do for lacrosse, so you’d much sooner find me hanging out with the chess club than chillaxin’ with the lax bros. This seems like a simple revelation, but, due to the increasing complexity of the high school social system (from my perspective, at least), the boundaries of these circles are becoming more and more vague.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, my closely knit circle of buddies isn’t very large – I couldn’t stand to have a posse bigger than my current one. It would entail too much commitment. Anyway, my friends lie with my talent; that is, theater, choir, and love of all things geeky. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone that I’m good friends with that don’t belong to any of those groups. Still, like the many Disney princesses that have come before me, I can’t shake the feeling that I want more…but more of what? More friends? More talent? More self-esteem? There’s nothing I can do for the latter two (the talent being, by definition, unchangeable and the self-esteem being fragged to hell by my personal history with human association), but surely I must be able to at least fake my way into friendship? Alas, this hypothesis is hindered by the “belonging” aspect of the initial question. Attempted fabrication of self-esteem can only have a negative effect on one’s self, both psychologically and socially – this is something we all realize. However, we as humans are not above pondering its results.
In short, I DO feel the need to belong – I feel nothing but compassion and empathy for every one of my peers, and I truly wish that they would express that feeling towards their peers. However, humans, instinctually, are jerks. People in this school flaunt themselves about as if they’re wearing their collective penises on their shoulders like disgusting parrots. I like to describe these people as “train wrecks:” they happen inevitably, they’re awful in every sense of the word, and you can’t ignore them no matter how hard you try. They exist in Oakcrest. They exist in my classes. They even exist in the AP system. They are vile, they show no regard for human decency, and they deserve just as much respect and toleration as everyone else. Don’t expect me to socialize with them, though.
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how Nick Murphy rants.
Our values go beyond the regular nouns of people, places, and things. There are certain things we value that are deeper and more conceptual. Of course most people value their families and material possession; I know I do. But after giving it some thought, I realize that some of these things we value are taken for granted. For instance, we take for granted the love of a mother or father. We appreciate the love but we never really think of it as valuable until it is absent from our lives. I value the love my parents give me, but I value several other things too. Like most of the students in AP classes, I value education. Education is pretty much what makes my wheels turn. Valuing education gives me a sense of purpose and direction for the future. Another thing I value is the ability to affect others. I obviously mean this in an optimistic way, but some people love to make others feel pain (unfortunately). The ability to change lives for the better is far more valuable to me than, let’s say, my iPod. It can be a small change that just makes his or her day, or it can be a large change that lasts for the rest of his or her life.
ReplyDeleteMoving on to “what makes me so mad I could scream,” I would have to say missed opportunities. By “missed” I mean deliberately missed. Life is incredibly short-lived, and “no one makes it out of this life alive” (quoted from Mr. Matlack). This issue directly connects to my value of education. It infuriates me to see students given the same opportunity as me and purposefully waste away in the lowest classes, because they “don’t care.” This makes me angry because it violates one of my top values stated above: education. The other side of the argument does have some credibility, which is that the students aren’t actually given the same opportunity because they don’t have such a great home-life. There’s absolutely no excuse why a student should not try in school if they have loving and accepting parents and the same academic opportunities. On a lighter note, “what fills me with unabashed joy” would have to be the time I spend with my closest friends. Nothing compares to the laughter they bring me. I hope to keep these friends for the rest of my life, because they make me feel like a million dollars and I know I can be myself when I’m with them. They accept me for who I am and make me laugh, and that’s all you need in a friend.
After answering these questions, I think I know myself a little bit better. I always knew I was an academic-minded person, but I haven’t really thought of how judgmental I can be of less intelligent students only because they “don’t care.” Also, friendship is what makes me feel like a normal person, whatever normal is. Education and friends are essentially what I value the most. I never really thought of it, but after examining myself I can’t say I’m really surprised with the results, and I’m definitely not disappointed either.
To Cole: I really hope my older brother doesn’t want to punch me in the face. I don’t think I annoyed him as much as your brother annoyed you, but I’d have to ask. My brother was a decent model for me until I matured and realized that he hadn’t. I didn’t include music in my post, but I’m a huge appreciator.
To Ted: I agree that people who are overly materialistic can be maddening. I don’t own a smart phone, and I don’t intend to for a while. But people feel like they need all of this when they really don’t. I hope you and your sister can form a better relationship as time goes on. Family is important.
To Tom: You’re right. Trust is absolutely necessary for relationships to even exist. As a friend, I believe you to be quite trustworthy, and I hope you think the same of me. Also, my brother has a sharing issue, but I don’t think I do. It really makes me wonder how we can value sharing so differently when we’re TWINS!